Out Yourself Here 2: The Deeper Closet.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Here's one we all want to know about you. What have you performed that you would really rather people just not know about? Jenny let me know this morning that a friend of ours will be seen in Elvis regalia tomorrow night, and asked if I had ever stooped so low. A topic was born, and yes, I have.
I did Elvis on stilts at an Elvis convention in Virginia a few years ago. Hilby put me on to it, and the saddest part of it was how much more people liked me as Elvis.
My list is long, and yes, does include everything from the merest elf to the fat man himself. From birthday parties to basement waterproofing conventions.
I've been Woody, Ken, and the Big E big head mascot. I admit it! 2 hundred a day for 17 days, I couldn't pass it up! I put that damn costume on! (Meanwhile, Bounce and Oooh La La were doing their full show on the same fairgrounds. I made believe I was just attending when I saw them.)
Bit of a whore, wot? And you? Let it fly, it'll feel better. We understand.

[Stephon]

Taxi, I fought against doing corporate gigs and character walkaround for a long time (after all, I am a university-trained and degreed actor, la de da) 'cuz I didn't want to be glorified window decoration.

Two years ago I did 16 performances of a 2 1/2 hour play where I got paid $20 per show.
Yesterday I deposited a $200 check for a 1/2 hour performance at a law office's holiday party. Am I a whore? Hell yes, but I'm not a cheap whore.

But you were asking for embarrassing confessions: the lowest I sank was dressing up in a mildewy Spider-Man costume to hand out Halloween candy at a mall.

(Still better than the balloon twisting Power Ranger my wife saw at a birthday party last week)


Hey, I just realized this post made me a Member. And I was just getting used to being a tool...


[This message has been edited by Stephon (edited 12-21-2001).]

[Chance]

I toured Graceland last summer, does this count?

[Triona]

I'm already a balloon twister, which most of you feel is the lowest of the low anyway...

I dressed as a reindeer (including the flashing red nose) for an office Xmas party.

[Jim]

I was a clown ONCE. It was about 5 years ago. I did a walk around gig at a college and I thought I'd just be juggling, but they wanted clowns. When I got there, there was an ex-Ringling clown with a bunch of costumes and make-up and he did me up... Wig, plastic nose, full makeup, clown costume, BIG shoes, the whole deal. I was un-recognizable. It was freaky. I was walking around twisting balloons for 2 hours.

I've never told anyone this.

I think someone took a polaroid of me while I was there, but I can't find it. If I ever find it, I'll post it here.

I feel better getting this off my chest.

[nick nickolas]

Last year I did a Pesil Tablet launch which saw me touring round shopping malls as 'Polly' a 60ish woman full make up, wig, bum padding, dress etc. It took me a hour or so to put the makeup on and I did a dozen shopping centre gigs 8 hrs a day..the look was really good thank god, even friends didn't recognize me!

Many years ago I did a bartmitzer dressed in a pink pierrot costume juggling as the rich jewish kids arrived.

Between the ages of 13-16 I travelled the neighbourhood on my 10 speed doing kids parties as Nifty Nick Funjurer.

Good topic Taxi

[This message has been edited by nick nickolas (edited 12-21-2001).]

[This message has been edited by nick nickolas (edited 12-21-2001).]

[Jenny]

I was surprised recently to be asked to appear as Cinderella again, esp. as I have severely reduced the length of my hair, etc. But I didn't mind because; I still charged my regular fee and it's FUN to step into the shoes of another character sometimes. (Oops, no pun intended.)

Of course this was for a birthday party full of little princesses, so I get to be the Queen Princess. What's wrong with that?

Two other factors.
1) A child has an assumed intimacy with a character from their lexicon like that. So they already love you, instead of having to see your show etc. to decide. And,
2) I get to take ownership of the myth, and insert whatever absurd or PC twists I like.

Eg: "Ever since I married the Prince and moved into the castle, I don't have to clean so much anymore. So guess what I did with my free time? Learned...to...JUGGLE!"

Or, "Happily ever after isn't always easy. The Prince and I argue sometimes, but we try to work it out..."

Another plus; lace hem, high heels, long gloves and tiara are all quite condusive to clowning; lots to go wrong!

It's an absurd but refreshing change. Just like all of you wankers.

[LUCKY DIAMOND RICH]

Hello guys,
yes well when i was 12 years old my first real gig,was to go around "GRUNDIES" at Sufers Paradise,in QLD over the school holiday peroid,at easter.I was on a small unicycle,in a clown outfit,called myself "GREGGLES" based on my birth name "GREGORY".I had a sandwich board advertiseing ,"Cadburys Chocolate" handing out easter eggs,in one hand and squeezing a
horn in the other!Got payed $50,for 3 hours.It was the start of my career,not to mention that I had a scam happening were I would take most of the easter eggs and sell them at school.You have to be able to buy "Brian Dube",some how.Fuck "jugglebug",that shit hurts.......

[Todd]

Ok I grew up in Vegas so my past is full of shady stuff. I dont know if it is stooping low, but they were weird. Paid good, but weird.
I was a mime at Ceasars Palace for 6 months. Ceasars "Royal Jester".
I shared a dressing room (actually an old hotel room in the hotel) with a guy named Ming. He was a juggler/object manipulator from China. The top of his act was spinning a 30 pound pot on his head, on edge, while he spun in the opposing direction. He let me feel the indentation on his head from doing the act. If he didnt practice every day he would lose the indent and "ooh I get bad headaches."
A Charlie Chaplin impersonator for 6 months at a kooky comedy club in the basement of the old Aladdin. The Comedy Underground. It was owned by a comedy duo from Argentina, I sat people in the club. The Host was a dwarf named Randy who was playing the "owner" Little Al CApone. He had a tiny pinstriped suit. The opening act was an old ass comic (who could fart dust he was so old) he did ever old joke in the book, but the timing was perfect. One of his segues between jokes was "..but I've got nothing against fish." The middle act was a ventriloquist who has a 5 foot woman puppet who's breasts moved when she dropped her top. The headliners were name comics who thought they walked into a dimension of ultimate weirdness. They talked to me alot because I was the most normal person there. No one to this day knows my name, the all just called me 'Charlie'.
I was the Jester in print ads for the Excalibur hotel. It was pretty normal except for the huge billboard of me (nothing like looking at your 50 foot crotch) and the fact that the guy who was the King Arthur was hired because he was English and had an accent. These were print ads and postcards.
Oh, I was a mime at a corporate gig for Sony and I scared Olivia-Newton-Johns' kid. I made her wet herself with fear.
I was the Egghead software man for a big computer software convention here. I had to wear this huge pod suit of "Mr Egghead", this egg shaped scientist looking guy. It had this giant egg shaped head (duh!) but it was fabric on a welded metal frame. All the drunk software guys would walk by me and pull the hair on the head and the metal frame would bash my skull. This one drunk computer geek kept walking past and doing this. Finally after one too many skull shattering slams I grabbed his arm, twisted it and shouted "STOP PULLING MR. EGGHEADS FUCKING HAIR !!!!!!!"
I think he has nightmares to this day.

I did a ton of weird gigs in Vegas.



[This message has been edited by Todd (edited 12-21-2001).]

[firegirl]

where do i start?

~i did singing telegrams in high school - lots of weird things there... disco diva, clown, bunny, sexy bunny... i could go on. but, at 15 getting paid $75/day seems like a king's ransom.

~in college my best friend and i were hired to be mimes at the opening of a 'big top pizza' ... i made children cry & she got hit on by their dads.

~i played 'wendy' at the 'wendy's chili open' in cleveland, ohio...

~i used to work for this company in boston (while getting my mfa in acting from bu) called 'pastimes entertainment...' in the course of my employment with them i played abagil adams, the wicked witch of the west, ariel, wonder woman, a booby german beer wench (not too far off my ren. show,) belinda carslile & the red-headed powerpuff girl. among others.

~i used to reguarly work in a haunted house while in college as the screaming chick who was getting murdered in any scene... i have a good scream.

~and, worst of all - i worked for two years for the mouse. indiana jones stunt show in orlando... *shiver* i still feel unclean about that job. (tho' it's not as bad as whipboy being cast as ricky martin in the magic mountian halloween stunt show... *bwahahaaahhahahahah* i'm still laughing over that one!)

~firegirl

[Rex Boyd]

For the past two years my wife has made me play Santa Claus for her Christmas party get together for all the mothers and children in the area. For both those times I managed to terrify my own daughter to tears at the sight of this strange man in red shouting HO HO HO


Rex

[Lynneski]

Thanks for the opportunity to come clean, Taximan.

Did a stint with a youg theatre troupe, sort of a fractured fairy tales show. I was the twittering "Princess Prissyface". 'Course, the cast insisted on referring to my character as "Princess Pissyface", which inevitably ended up slipping out of someone's lines at least once a performance.

Slinky lounge singer bit, complete with wrap-around sateen dress, trying to project sultry old jazz standards while slunk over a baby grand. Have you ever tried to make "Tea for Two" sound enticing while your boobs were falling out of their too-big wrap?

And three months in a smoky basement studio recording endless jingles for radio. One of them played over three years on a local small-town station. Can you say "earworm"?

Whoo, that feels better.

Lynne

[le pire]

I was one of the "skin characters" in Bradley's Magical Adventures in British Holiday's holiday parks.

I had to wear one of those costumes with the big heads, they play a tape with the dialogue and you wave your arms around when your character speaks.

ooooooh the shame, the SHAME!!!

étienne

[le pire]

I tried to forget this one: I was in an N'Sync impersionation act.

Imagine lipsynching "bye bye bye" while dancing for 10 year old girls. At least as a skin character no one sees your face...

étienne

[Airborne Dan]

Hey Mr. Taxi, great topic.

About 12 years ago when I was a ski bum living in Vail, CO I took a gig playing Captain Morgan for the Seagram corporation.

The job was to ski the mountain in a pirate suit handing out drink tokens for apre´ ski parties at the different bars around town.

After skiing it was then my job to visit all the bars taking part in the promotion. When I arrived at the different locations I'd do a comedy pirate show and hand out prizes, t-shirts and stuff like that.

The real perk about the gig was that I could consume as many Seagram products as I wanted to, before, during and after each show. I didn't want to look like I was taking advantage of the situation so I only had 2 or 3 drinks at each bar. There were 7 bars. Do the math.

By the time we reached the last joint (a disco) I was no longer portraying Captain Morgan, I was Captain Morgan, or at least what I'm sure the people at corporate headquarters would consider a bastardized, intoxicated version of their spice rum spokes person.

The D.J. turned off the music so I could do the pirate show and hand out the goods. I did my little show and went into handing out the prizes.

After performing as a pirate all day I thought it was high time that I, The Captain, be entertained. So I made the people do tricks to get a prize. I made them sing and dance. Then I was making them juggle and do head stands and cartwheels. Then I'm making all the hot women kiss the Captain for a prize, and if the guys want a prize, well, they had to show their asses. The next thing I know I'm sitting on a chair in the middle of the dance floor, clutching a half empty bottle of rum, the music is pumping and the Captain is handing out t-shirts and shot glasses in exchange for lap dances. I gave away two cases of prizes. Eat your heart out Ronald Macdonald.

[young raoul]

Holy Buggering Priests! A proper confession booth at last!
- was working as a clown pimp and my face-painting clown bailed at the last minute for some corporate christmas party - I filled in, reeking of gin, clown face smeared over a bad cop style moustache, smoked the whole time and never got a call back...first time someone ever recommended the movie "Shakes The Clown" billed as the "Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies" - still haven't seen it.
- whored for Dale "has anyone seen my septum?" Thompson when he ran Halifax, worked as a corporate clown for a winter tour of gas station openings as "Captain Ultramar" - a stilt-walking, oil-can juggling multinational superheroe alongside my poncey sidekick, a black-lipped, "waving clown" named "Dipstick". Spent most of the time in the motorhome swilling scotch with horrible oil execs while Dipstick got blown off the side of the road by passing trucks. My bro who lives in Halifax, has run into the Dipper at a few parties - he's still bitter and amazed that I continue to draw breath
- As for Taxi's shame at being a stilt -
Elvis - Christ on a cracker! I spent 12 years as a ten foot radioactive Elvis! Now I drive an '87 Honda Accord! How is that shameful?
- did a couple of series on a Canuck kiddy sleuth show typecast as a fire-sping clown on Showcase. This led to a prime gig doubling for Christopher Plummer in a teen slasher film (direct to video, natch) called "The Clown at Midnight". Got to split Margot Kidder's head in half with an axe, stick a spear through Tatyana Ali (Cosby Show?) and find that his nibs was a total lecherous twat, notwithstanding the fact that he tolerated my drunken rendition of "Edelweis". Perhaps the worst movie ever made.
- Lastly, and it doesnt'really qualify since I turned it down, an former alligator wrestler crony of mine referred me for a gig for a touring show of "Bananas in Pajamas". Seems they were one banana short of a bunch. As I say, I declined. It's really all about dignity, isn't it?

jerry lewis

[Prof Willie B]

That's the second time in 2 days the fucking Crocodile Man has been mentioned on this site.
Pls, lets not go there.


[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 12-29-2001).]

[Jenny]

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">Originally posted by young raoul:
- As for Taxi's shame at being a stilt -
Elvis - Christ on a cracker! I spent 12 years as a ten foot radioactive Elvis! Now I drive an '87 Honda Accord! How is that shameful?


What shame!?!
I drive an '87 Tercel. It's hard not to defend something on which your life depends! Mine has taken me round trips from Boston to Canada twice, to Pittsburg (with Peter Panic in the passenger seat recovering from a shopping cart accident), the west coast & back this past year when I lived out of the poor car for 8 weeks total), and I even crashed it last month on my way to Motionfest Baltimore, full of Bobarino's wheel-barrow, kitchen appliances, you name it fresh in from Japan.

It's so old that if a bird shits on it it's totaled. But lo & behold, $560 bucks later it's back on the road, dedicated as ever. Thank god for small, old, dependable, aluminum, Japanese miracles.

And p.s. everyone; "Shakes" is a must-see.

[le pire]

Hey Prof, it can only get worse:

Paul Hogan!

Kylie Minogue!

http://www.performers.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

étienne, who went to school with Isla Fisher (Home & Away).

[martin ewen]

Embarrassments a foreign country to me, having spent my childhood acutely embarrassed by my parents by brothers, by religion and my out of control bladder (oh and my general behavior) there has not been much since to compare.
I will add to this thread (and put this up for whatever petrified animal awards on offer) with a tale in which I consciously confronted and overcame embarrassment.

I was working at the Edinburgh fest in Scotland, working off the main pitch down a small lane, just down from me was a jug band whose music i used from time to time to wiggle about to, as I temporarily overcame my character ‘Lurk’s utter boredom.
After a couple of hours the jug band stopped and passed me on their way to a pub across the road and invited me in for a drink when i finished.
I finished immediately and hurried inside.
(Just a hint- If your at Edinburgh and find it all a bit competitive, catch a 6 pound train for an hour to Glasgow which is empty of performers and has great pitches right by the train station)
Anyway the 4 piece jug band and I got on famously, I liked beer and they liked beer, I have a mouth like an untethered firehose and they were probably sick of listening to each other anyway.
They hadn’t finished for the day however, they had a gig later on in the evening at a club and they invited me along to dance for them.
I was into it so we then got ready to leave by buying about another 6 rounds then left.
The club was large holding about 300 people, we got there early and met the management who were cool and casual and who bought us all a drink.
I checked out the dancefloor in front of where the band would play and the surface was OK, not too slippery when wet and the ceiling was high enough (I’m on stilts) there were two rows of ceiling fans that were not yet turned on and so I marked out their positions with gaffer tape on the ground, it still left me lots of room to move.
The night wore on and the place started filling up a bit, the band only had to do one set so we waited till about 10 before going on by which time the place was pretty much packed.
It had been a long day so I arranged to come out for the last 10 minutes of their 30 minute set.
I dutifully stomped out and wiggled and waggled and kicked my legs about and generally simulated being groovy wearing my white face and tank helmet until about half way through and for reasons still a mystery to me to this day I must have strayed into the territory of the now rapidly whirring metallic blades of the fans.
The first blade merely dug superficially into my tank helmet and flung it from my head without thankfully damaging the blade or slowing the fan down at all.
My reactions (which is why I could have been a fighter pilot or game show host ) were lightening quick and I tilted my head back as I moved forward so that the next impact only broke my nose at the bridge sending a minor torrent from both nostrils and the gash at the top of my nose itself.
All this paled into insignificance with the third strike which carved a 6 to 8 inch slash right across my forehead.
Now as some of you know headwounds tend to bleed profusely, even with my prior head bleeding experiences this one immediately impressed me.
I was staggering blind round a nightclub with blood pouring down my white face and cascading in a constant stream from my chin. I think people found it hard to ignore me which was a shame really, there were loud screams and panicked footfalls as people tried to avoid being bled on, (I did hear later that at least 3 people fainted)
Being a true professional I stayed upright and eventually found a wall and sat on a ledge where I peered curiously through my scarlet veil at the enormous pool of blood forming in the lap of my stilt trousers.
A barman holding a huge handful of soggy tissues appeared and pressed it to my face as I wrestled with my stilt-trousers and then my stilts, towards the end I could hear the wail of an approaching ambulance. I was then led through the crowd pressing a red soggy mass of toilet paper to my head.( I can remember seeing a few sympathetic looks passed my way by pretty girls and had it not been for the medical professionals I might have stayed.)
At the hospital I spent 3 hours getting stitches across my forehead and having my nose plugged. I also seemed to be a source of entertainment to a constant stream of nurses who would peek into my cubicle while trying to keep a straight face then depart down the hall giggling.
Once released at about 3am I faced a choice, I could wander back to my hotel and wake the next morning all streaked and swollen and potentially embarrassed, or I could return to the bar.
I walked back in and ordered a beer, the barman said ‘You were really good, if we’d known we would have turned the fans off.’
I had a couple then left.
I found the next day that my helmet covered the stitches on my forehead nicely and my whiteface covered the mess of my nose but would just bleed a bit when I removed it so luckily I wasn’t without an income.
It was years later I was told by other performers that everyone was calling me ‘Frankinstein’
behind my back and laughing.

[Prof Willie B]

étienne, you are only scratching the surface. What about Rolf Harris and (shudder) Dannii Minogue.

[Peter Voice]

We were recently hired to do a gig for an exclusive product launch. Nokia were introducing 7 new phones in 7 colour options and so for the function (being only invited dealers and all adults) the promo company decided on a theme of the 7 deadly sins. Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, Rage, Avarice I forget the other one. Anyway, we were to do full body marbling on 2 g-string clad models (M and F) to be statues. Simple really. It was an odd theme but we went along with it.
The room was divided into 7 suites, lust was depicted by scantily clad dancers in cages, avarice, by a guy with snakes, greed was depicted by a casino and the spread of chocolates and cakes in gluttony had to be seen to be believed. Hundreds of cases of beer and wine awaited and about 60 waiters were on hand to look after the 300 guests.

Half an hour before the doors were to open the Nokia bigwigs turned up. Unbeknownst to the promo company and apparently to the Nokia (Aust) PR department, the company had been subject to a recent takeover and was now owned by the Mormon Church, purveyors of religious fundamentalism and casino owners. The church's representatives were less than impressed.

It was too late to cancel so the event went on with some changes (the models were draped with togas, making most of our work a waste of time) and the bigwigs did not attend. We suspect Nokia have terminated their contract with the promo company.

It was a great party though and we did get paid.

[le pire]

What about JASON DONOVAN? Remember when he and Kylie did a duet??? Yeah! That was just a bad taste dream come true!

I saw a special on TV in england were Rolf Harris teamed up with CLIFF RICHARDS!!! OH the Horror!

étienne

[Prof Willie B]

Shamefully it can only get worse, étienne. We have a 14 year old singing monster called Niki Webster. Be warned this bundle of vomit inducing cuteness will almost certainly be inflicted on an unsuspecting world by her management team. The world suffers enough pain but it will pale into insignificance once this terrifying moppet's marketers have finished. We never learn from our mistakes.

Whoooooooa!!! Cliff Richards and Rolf Harris together? oooo eerrrr and you watched it??? Perhaps the legal system should be taken to task for allowing such things to happen.
Maybe Niki won't be that bad afterall but then again if she were to do a duet with Rolf, Cliff or Jason even a trio or barbershop bit. Oh I feel sick. The possibilities are frightening. I need to lie down for a week or so.

[le pire]

Good news, I just read Steps broke up!!! There remains a glimmer of hope, all is not lost...


étienne

[Jim]

Prof, etienne, let's stick to the topic.

Jim

[Rich Potter]

Airborne Dan,
that has got to be the funniest story I've heard all year!

I got to be a stiltwalker during the holidays for a large corporate event. The events company put me in this ribboned outfit so as to make me colorful, and to hide my actual personality.

Fortunately, I was able to allow the smartass to flow from the ribbons and onto the groundlings below. When I got my check, the comment line of the stub said, "Ribboned stilt guy"

--Rich

Oh yeah; one of the perks of that job was that since she was on a pedestal, I was able to do "Dirty Dancing" with the Statue of Liberty.
(okay; a lame story. I just didn't want this thread to get lost in the sea of Rumplisms)