heckler lines for kids(rude Kids)

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

am looking for some suggestions???

[Butterfly Man]

Some of these are kinda harsh ... others somewhat soft and a few of them are Gazzo's ... can anyone pick them out?


I went to Baskin Robbins and the flavor of the month was your mother.

Tag: I had two scoops.

What’s your problem? By any chance were your parents related?

I could have been your father but I didn’t have change for a dollar.

What are you going to be IF you grow up?

This year’s poster child for zero population growth.

Child who has just been funny: That was a pretty good joke, kid. What are you trying to do, top your parents?

You could get a job in a charm school - as a bad example.

Go ask mummy for some Ritalin.

Had a little too much sugar this morning?

What’s the matter, kid, didn't you get enough attention at home?

Everyone else here works and plays well with others.

Don't yell at me, I ain’t your mother.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

You make me wish I’d donated to Planned Parenthood.

I love children, I eat one every day.

I have the heart of a child - in a little glass jar at home.

By any chance were your parents related?

To an adolescent girl: Ah, the flower of womanhood! You look more like the stem.

Did you go to school on the big bus or the little bus?

Kinda makes you wish birth control was retroactive.

I’m glad you came. Too bad your father did.

Shut up or I’ll put my hand in my pocket and strangle your father.

Speak to me oh spawn of Satan.

Hey kid, Beavis is lookin for you!

Back off you ain't got no pubic hair.

Shut your mouth or you’ll win a free trip to Michael Jackson's camp.

Tag: Hell help you find the other glove.

If your parents got divorced would they still be your brother and your sister?

By any chance did your mother smoke when you were in the womb?

I could have been your father but the dog beat me over the fence.

Isn’t it amazing what a little kindness, patience and benzedrine can do?

[scot]

Do something threatening yet innocent and say, "I'm not going to hurt you. You're not at home any more."

"shut up or I'll finish what a coathanger started 9 years ago" ***just thought this one up!

I like to say this when noone is laughing. "Don't laugh, his parents couldn't afford public school"

(non attacking) "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make a living."

(someone else's) "Out of millions it's hard to believe you were the fastest."

"Everybody, there's a drunk midget in the front row. Make sure he doesn't drive"

It's always good to refer to the wrong gender

"I'll just wait for the start of community service"

"Thanks for coming, I loved Different Strokes"

"It's like my Dad has a miniature clone"

I'll just keep on writing these for you. It's not that hard to beat a child at a battle of wits.

"Kids, don't try this at home... except for you."

"Children like this are the reason sodomy is illegal"

[The Renaissance Man]

I like to throw a shot at the ones responsible for the little horror:
"I don't blame you for your behavior, I blame your parents."

Chris

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

thank you all for the suggestions!!! i just want to strengthen my arsenal!!

[AJJames]

"I'm sorry that my show is interupting your puberty"
"I'm just going to ignore you, like your parents did."

[scot]

I saw a performer say, "I hate you!" then made a racial slur and told everyone the show was over.

I thought that was smart. Those medling kids left him alone.

Like I said, this was not me, so I'm not giving you permission to do this. Thought it might be inspirational to you as it was to me.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

As some of you know, our pitch here at Pier 60, is located right next to a playground and parents have the tendency to leace their kids unattended. This also makes the degree of "harshness" very minimal. It is very "family-oriented"

thanks again all!!

[Todd]

Wow Scot and Butterflyman, those kid lines at the top of this thread are great!
Very funny stuff. Thanks for posting so many.
One thing I've seen done by a performer I know is if one kid is being really obnoxious, then my buddy will give another tougher looking kid in the crowd a dollar and say

" Heres a buck, if that kid talks again, go beat him up"

"Hey I'm working here. When you grow up I'm going to where you work and kick over the slurpee machine."

on the other hand there really is now way to really win with a kid heckler. You might get the adults to laugh and they will certainly understand that this kid is just being a little ass with no supervision, but I have never seen some one totally win against a kid. Kids have a full-proof defense agains any heckler line. It goes like this:
you say your line.
the kid says 'no' or 'nuh-uh' or 'so'
thus it never really gets under thier skin so they know what jerks they are being for ruining your show.
I tend to use those kid lines for the rest of the audience, so they know you are still trying to exert some control, and still play to them. I dont really worry if the comeback is crushing the kid. Besides kids ususally give in to that MTV attention span and move on after a time.
Pre-teen and teens you can usually play hard with in terms of crushing comebacks, but for younger kids even if you win in crushing them, you run the risk of looking like you are bullying a little kid ,and can sometimes run the risk of alienating parts of the audience.
If you have structured your show well then you have set up the expectation that you are in charge and the obnoxious kid ratio is usually only an exception. Usually.

On the other hand, I watched Gazzo at the Maryland Ren Fest pull a pretty obnoxious kid on stage and say:

'Stand here' kid stands on stage. Gazz goes into the crowd where the kid was and starts yelling "BOO!!!YOU SUCK" Then Gazz gets back on stage "How do you feel? Stupid right, well thats how I feel when you do it to me"
I know a rather sensitive moment for Gazz huh? Then he told the kid to sit down and did the 'I could have been your father, but I didnt have change for a dollar' line.

[Rev]

Used a few of these lines the other night. One actually made an obnoxious, unsupervised 12 year old leave.

"Everyone, this kid doesn't get enough attention at home, so everyone say hi to him. HI! Ok kid? Now shut up!"

[jester]

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CLEVER ABOUT A GROWN PERSON TREATING A CHILD LIKE A STAND UP COMIC TREATS AN ADULT HECKLER. All that will do is teach them the virtues of one upmanship and they'll be back on some other poor performer but this time hardened further.

A put down is only good if the person you used it on laughs too. If not all you've done is humiliate one of your audience and probably embarrassed their parents and their freinds.

Insulting a kid by suggesting their parents are less than adequate is fundamentally childish and amateur.

I think there are cleverer ways of dealing with children than put downs. Put Downs are only good for people old enough to know better and even then I think it is good to laugh with them and keep them onside for the joke.

I tend to make obnoxious kids feel they have some kind of personal stake in the show going well. As I use volunteers most kids know that if they step over my boundaries they aren't going to be rewarded, and most obnoxious kids want to be in the show.

But then, I don't have a lot of problems with obnoxious kids. If kids are heckling you it's best to remember that until they are about 13 they probably mean no harm and are just over excited. If you are proffessional performer kids should not phase you and a bit of psychology, understanding and sheer honesty will get you a long way.

For really bad kids, instead of shouting aloud my put down I look them straight in the eyes and with a tone of voice that says "we are currently still freinds but I'm losing faith in you" I tell them "Listen mate, you are getting a bit over excited. Just cool down, sit tight and I guarantee you'll have fun too." That works every time.

Remember kids are honest and difficult as proffessionals you have to look after yourself in a civilised manner. , and if you are performing badly and having a bad day at the office they will be the first to tell you. If you can't raise your game do something else.

[Rick Martin]

All of that sounds right to me except the part about kids being honest. I've been hearing that for years and I don't see it. Kids can be just as full of bullshit as adults. When I used to work as a magician, boys around ten years old would shout, "I know how you did that!". I would gently invite them to explain it to the crowd and they would turn out to be loud mouthed A-holes who did not know anything about magic. I see kids accusing magicians of using Svengali playing cards when the magician is skillfully handling regular cards. I see little kids being tempermental at a show just to dig at their parents. I see kids giving clowns a hard time just because it's an adult that they can push around. What's so honest about that?

[Stephon]

Jester, showing restraint with an obnoxious kid would be taking the moral high ground, and perhaps it would be better if more of us did it.

That said, I think perhaps you have forgotten what it was like to be a kid. Children, even younger than 13, are clever and *very* aware of how to exploit a person's weak spots. Listen to any group of kids making fun of each other (or more likely one unfortunate victim) and you will hear some of the cruelest mockery around. A kid who is insulting you and disrupting your show with obnoxious behavior is not just some misguided, but innocent, little poppet.

If a child in your audience is just hyper and noisy, fine. But if he's being insulting, rude, or inappropriate, then I think it is completely justified to unload on the responsible party--the parents. It is, after all, the parents who should be telling the child that certain behavior is unnacceptable while watching a show (in fact, they should have done so long before the kid ever became part of an audience).

If the parent hasn't prepped the kid, and then sits there and lets the kid misbehave, then the parent *is* inadequate and by pointing it out during your show you a) may give them the short sharp shock they need, b) get them to shut the kid up, and c) say what every respectful member of the audience is thinking.

Getting upstart kids on your side is great if you can do it. It is a mistake, though, to engage the obnoxious one's by using them in your show--it just reinforces the bad behavior. Maybe they are acting out because they want to be part of the show, but it does no one a service to teach them that, "Hey, if I yell and act like a fool, I get rewarded." Better to look the bratty kid in the eye while you pick a well-behaved child as your volunteer.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

i saw the jester's post on this subject and almost fell out of my seat!!! What planet do you perform on???

[jester]

Okay

I never....not once... suggested that kids were little angels, one hundred percent honest and totally non malicious.

I'm afraid that I have been performing for several years now and I don't suffer from obnoxious kids. I have over excited kids, I have little smart arses and the most dislikeable little shits in the world watching my show sometimes. But I don't have a problem.

Kids are like animals. If you really beleive that you are smarter than they are and aren't stupid enough to give them a challenge to rise to, they are easily handled.

Now if you guys are going to let little nine year olds get the better of you and you need a forum to help you gather ammunition, it is no wonder to me why you have problems.

As I said before, suggesting that a childs mother is a whore in a clever way, or suggesting that the child is inbred etc etc etc is frankly contemptable and I hope the little shits keep winning. Because it sounds to me like they do with you guys.

It could be that I am wrong. We have three possibities here:

1) The bad kids are never in town when I am.
2) I know what I'm talking about and handle them well
3) I'm just a fantastic performer and they all love me.

I think its a combination of 2 and 3 myself.. but hey.

To be fair, I am not naive and I do have aggressive conversations with the little shits sometimes, but not in front of the whole audience. I perform on your planet.

If I ever felt I wanted to insult a kid with any of those "your mother is a prostitute but I can say it in such a clever and funny way" lines I think I would stop and become a tax inspector.

[jester]

Stephon

I agree with you, rewarding obnoxious kids isn't a smart thing to do. I don't do it. And I'm not suggesting you do. And I agree that some parents can be embarrassed into taking action. I think insulting the kid by calling his parents names however is a different thing altogether.

I do use funny lines on kids but I want them to laugh too. And I am very happy using put downs on grown ups and teenagers. But I don't think putting a kid down and humiliating them is really the way forward.

While I can see that it is extremely tempting to be horrible to a child and humiliate them for your own and everybody else amusement and I sympathise with the sentiments expressed here, you just shouldn't do it. And deep down you all know I'm right.

[jester]

Hey You

The Amazing Beaumons.

What Planet Do I Perform On?

If one can breathe 7ft flames like you can and the kids are still heckling you have a real problem.

[Greedybogle]

C'mon now, where's the love?

[ 06-02-2003: Message edited by: Greedybogle ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

When they circumcised you they threw away the wrong bit.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

"Yo Junior, when did you have your charisma bypass?"

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

to be honest with you Jester, I opened this thread to see how some other's might handle situations that some of us who perform nightly near a playground could encounter.

I NEVER stated that this was some type of problem, because we all deal with them in our own way. And I NEVER said anything about calling people prostitutes.

Although I did love seeing Gazzo hand the kid a "space helmet" once. And in the 1980's I remember seeing Butterfly Man in SF and the way he handled the kids and the style of his show was the single most influence that put me where I am today.

Although Gazzo was "harsh" for our environment, his show was one of the best I'd ever seen.


I would like to offer you, JESTER, an open invitation to come perform at our pitch so I can see first hand your abilities on the subject.

please send any promotional information ( your website is non existant) to:
Dallas Saupe
Busker Coordinator- Sunsets at Pier 60 Daily Festival
1295 Santa Rosa St. #5
Clearwater, Florida 33756

[jester]

Thank You for the invitation.

I will gladly send you some promo. However I don't really want to go to Florida in the near future. I live in England, Europe.

I'm afraid I still stand by what I said. Some of the lines offered are genuinely funny and good, but a few are damnright malicious, nasty and only suitable for the weak. Looking at your web site I don't think you have a problem, but I think anybody who uses the nasty lines does.

Sorry if I made you fall off your seat. Maybe the seat was on a unicycle or something else equally unstable.

My web site is www.jonathanthejester.co.uk (http://www.jonathanthejester.co.uk)

It wasn't non existant 5 minutes ago.

[Steven Ragatz]

Something else to consider is taking a different approach. Rather that being reactive, think preventative.

We all know there are different types of hecklers. Drunks, stoners, walk-bys, and mentally handicapped hecklers all pose certain situations that need to be dealt with on a case by case basis - some harsh, some gently. But for the rest of the time, both child and adult hecklers pop right out of "normal" audience. Unless you go out of your way to invite heckling, the comments that get thrown up on stage may very well be a reflection of your show rather than an indication of the audience member's malice.

I've seen several situations where the audience heckles are simply because they want to have a good time. After all, nobody is making them see the show, they could just walk away. They are there to be part of an entertaining experience, so much so that they often will take it upon themselves to make the show entertaining if the performer isn't keeping up.

If you are getting heckled regularly, it may be because you have spots in your show where the energy and interest is lagging. Dead spots are prime opportunities for audience member to pipe up with some wise crack. Hey, they don't know it consciously, but from their point of view they are really just trying to do you a favor and save the show! The audience doesn't like it when things get slow and dull, so if they think that the show needs some interest, they will provide it.

Point being - tighten your show and keep the audience engaged. When the routine is clean and there are no dead spots, your audience will not have time to heckle you because they will be to busy listening, laughing and clapping.

Steven Ragatz

[jester]

I think that is a very helpful post Mr Ragatz.

I may have created the impression that I think I am never heckled. This isn't so. The thing is I enjoy it all so much. When I am heckled I see it as an opportunity. The heckler has invited themself into my show, so I use the opportunity to bring them in but on my terms.

I always assume that the person wants to be part of the fun. I think spending a few years as a lousy stand up comedian trained me well for this. I think 90% of going down well is about the audience liking you. I have seen buskers with really basic acts and tricks go down a storm because the audience liked them.

My all time favorite Rex Boyd, has a brilliant act, but at the same time the audience adore him which makes him for my money one of the best street performers in the world.

Another secret I will pass on is I keep the kids busy. Counting down to a trick, get them shouting loudly and think of funny things the kids can say or shout at the right time. Audience participation takes care of most of them.

[Jamie The Jester]

Hi

I just want to say that i dont get heckeld often, as like jester said to keep the audience active by getting them to count, as it keeps them occupied.

but yes there has been times when certain bits of a performance has been boring and during these times i do have the publice heckling me

[ 06-09-2003: Message edited by: Jamie The Jester ]</p>

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

It is my opinion, which is surely a biased one, is that the level of energy and the amount of audience participation in my show is very HIGH !! I personally don't feel that there is really a "low" point in my show. But what I do KNOW after working the streets for over 10 years, is that there are some just plain RUDE people!!! Audults, kids, every age group.
Depending on your persona in your show, i feel that "ripping" on them gains control over them and lets anyone else know not to f*ck with you, that you are in control.
I think that after gaining this control that it increases the hat because you are once again TELLING them to give you money.(in a kind and funny way, i might add)
It's all ATTITUDE and PERSONA

A clown can't really call a woman a prostitute, but GAZZO sure can!!!

[Steven Ragatz]

Given the history of street performing, I would propose that there are certain expectations that have been established over the past two or three decades. The notion of running into a guy juggling knives or a person in whiteface standing on a box on a street corner isn't really novel anymore, and despite their entertaining abilities, I would be surprised if passer-bys would consider the discovery to be something out of the ordinary. I don't think that it is so much the recognition of the technique, for the common audience doesn't know anything about specific tricks or routines, rather I think that today's audiences have learned about the character of the street act. Can you say "t-shirt and suspenders"? Part of that character is the rapport and banter between the performer and the crowd.

Everyone has to deal with the confrontational loose cannons - those people who just want to be difficult and try to bully the show. They get what they deserve, but usually they won't stick around, and once the threat has been warded off, the performer can get back to the rhythm of the show and work those who really count. But beyond the conforntational individuals, there are hecklers who are actually "paying customers" - people who stay in the audience, and who often turn out to be the best tippers. I call those folk "enthusiastic hecklers".

Establishing control is going to play a major factor with how empowered the audience feels to yell things out. But I think that it is important to look beyond that, and to see what sort of messages we as performers are actually conveying to the crowd. I've seen lots of acts that "ask" for people to yell things out in ways that were unintentional, and other acts that use lots of comebacks and insults even when nobody in the audience is heckling.

Consider the message that the young-male-hyper-funny-juggler exploding with extroverted energy conveys to the audience. Running around with torches waving while trying to throw off jokes clearly invites the audience to challenge. He with the testosterone rules the roost and must be prepared to defend it. If that is the convention you wish to use, then be prepared to accept the unrelenting stream of spectator's heckles, after all, you asked for it. But remember, they only have to be funny one in ten, whereas you have to be funny every time. Doesn't seem fair, does it?

Conversely, if the character of the act has a more introspective energy, then the audience is much less likely to be aggressive and confrontational. In many ways, repect will begin respect. I would guess that street musicians that sit and play rarely have to deal with enthusiastic hecklers (though I'm sure that they get their fare share of confrontational ones!)

Take a good look at your act from the spectator's point of view. At what points are you inviting them to yell out? Are these points where you really want them to feel free to participate? If not, what can you do to focus the crowd's attention, and diffuse that urge to challenge?

Steven Ragatz

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

- snap your fingers as if calling a waiter, indicate offending organism- "More sugar, please!"

Is it me, or are some of you not reading the topic of this thread? Someone asks you for a light let me guess... you... lecture on smoking?

[Steven Ragatz]

OK, how about:

"Beat it kid, ya' bother me."

Is that any more help?

Steven Ragatz

PS You shouldn't smoke.

[ 06-10-2003: Message edited by: Steven Ragatz ]</p>

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

[quote]Originally posted by Steven Ragatz:
<strong>OK, how about:

"Beat it kid, ya' bother me."

Is that any more help?

Steven Ragatz

PS You shouldn't smoke.

[ 06-10-2003: Message edited by: Steven Ragatz ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

Well Steven, the quality of it certainly affirms my viewpoint on your rhetoric; in that sense, yes, it helps.

[Rick Martin]

Hey kid, tell your Mom no more drinking when she's pregnant.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Yo don't make me come over there and slap a diaper on you, boy.

[jester]

I bet you skip school but the teachers don't want to spoil it by telling your parents.

[scot]

It's bad-lib time. Fill in the blanks with the dirty words of your choice.

1) Shut the ___ up. I don't take _____ from any person the size of my _____.

2) Good news for you, ____ face, only the best dye young

3) When you're impregnating your sister and spiraling to the depts of welfare, remember that you're a _____

[Pyromancer]

[quote]Originally posted by jester:
<strong>If one can breathe 7ft flames like you can and the kids are still heckling you have a real problem.</strong><hr></blockquote>

So that is why the kids hardly ever heckle me? Luckily, there is always this guy trying to be tougher than me during my show. I love volunteers who offer themselves... Saves you the search for a good one and keeps the rest quiet...

[jester]

Kids love to be scared in an entertaining way. My three year old loves scooby doo. His word of the moment is "Scarey" and his eyes light up when he is thrilled by something slightly challenging.

The opening line to my show is "Can I have a volunteer for a really dangerous trick." This really gets the kids interested.

The one heckle I hate from kids is the word "boring." That is rude and consequently easy to deal with because if your act is good you have the moral authority. But if I get annoyed I will lose. I have a great time at the hecklers expense, but they laugh too.

"I've seen somebody else do this before." Well it must be good because here you are watching it again.

My tricks are safe and really quite mild but it is the way we do them that makes a trick work for us. I recently had to follow a fire breather blowing 7ft flames. I have all the lines and I can follow it but it is difficult.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

how about just stopping what you are doing, look straight at the rude kid, walk over to prop box, pull out a roll of duct-tape and rolling it on the ground to their feet??

or pulling out a muzzle?

[Stephon]

Here's something that most of us posting to this thread haven't considered; I saw it this past weekend:

We got to the stage for our timeslot and the act that had just been on warned us there was some big, obnoxious kid in the front row who was yelling out pointless shit all through their show--a real pain in the ass.

As we discussed various comments, bit, and lines we could use to shut him up, Liz, one of the women in our show walked out front, sat down on the kid's lap (he was a big kid, but still pre- to early teens) and quietly told him that he was getting a reputation for interrupting shows, and could he please keep it down so no one would have to ask him to leave.

He got a very sheepish look on his face, and was a perfect gentleman the rest of the show.

Yes, I know it's not a "heckler line" and it's not as fun as showing the audience how cleverly cutting our razor-sharp wit can be, but it was classy, dignified, and completely effective.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

because our pitch is located at a playground on the beach, we are faced with "local kids" nightly. Same kids, night after night. After awhile, they know your show as well as you do.

Many nights, i have been able to quietly whisper in a childs ear "all these people haven't seen my show yet, i'm glad your back to see it again, but let ME do the show."

This, for the most part, works quite well.

[THE USA BREAK DANCERS]

Getting hekled comes with the job being a performer you gotta excpect that. If you know how to deal with the situation when it occurs then do that.
One thing that's not good is when in a family invironement we should be careful on how we deal with heklers especially kids that hekle us some street performers say some things that are pretty boarderline in a family invironment or say things that are to harsh to say to a kid.

Some of us make realy realy good money doing what we love to do but we can't forget we all had to start some where and when we first started we were happy to have any audience at all watching us perform let it be children or grownups and we delt with heklers the best way we knew how as a matter of fact that's how learned to dael heklers in the first place.
Our break dance show very rarely gets hekled because in the beginning of the show we use music and do a high energy dance routine so we take control of the crowed from the start. Not only that, to the kids were "KOOL" and the parents like us also. After our opening dance number we can pretty much do what we want with the audience.

Some performers need to become more hip do something in the beginning of there show that the kids like something kool. Wheather it's setting up your props useing some of todays popular music like my friend Dallas aka BAUMONZ in Clearwater Fl does,dress hip just be in tuned with todays styles and lingo what ever do someting kool. Alot performers are still dressing and useing traditional circus music in there shows that's lame according to todays kids.

[theincrediblelarry]

just eat them, the young ones are tasty

here it is! (http://www.incredibleshow.com)

[ 10-23-2003: Message edited by: theincrediblelarry ]</p>

[Doctor Eric]

I thought the topic of this thread was "Lines for heckling kids" not "Abstract Heckler Theory" or "Morals for all Entertainers."
So, on topic, here's a few.

You think I won't kick a toddler's ass?

Now I know why gerbils eat their babies (an original Dr. Eric rewording)

Hey kid, don't SNORT the ritalin.

Do you know how much I can get for a healthy white baby on the black market?

Now there's a load that should've been swallowed.

Hey kid, I left you a cookie in the street.

Be good or I'll sell you to Kmart... They'll laquer you and make you into a mannequin.

Were your parent's too broke to afford a coat hanger and a shop-vac?

Even God doesn't like you.

You remind me of my senile Grandmother, but taller.

Shouldn't you have been a stain?

I was alot like you as a child... but I wasn't allowed in public... I was locked in the basement and fed with a sling-shot.

Shouldn't you be watching T.V.? Daddy's gonna be on Cops.

Why isn't that thing on a leash?

You're only here because rent's due at the K.O.A.

If only you'd been home when the meth lab exploded.

Parents, don't use drugs.

I could've been your Daddy, but the monkey cut in line.

I could've been your Daddy, but Mommy was already full.

I could've been your Daddy, but I picked the wrong end.

I could've been your Daddy, but the smell turned me off.

I could've been your Daddy, but your uncle beat me to it.

Have fun with those.

[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Doctor Eric ]</p>

[Kim]

While we're headed in that direction...

I could have been your father but ...
- my dick didn't fit through the bars/chickenwire
- i didn't understand the haggling process...
- she drank from the wrong test tube.
- i fell asleep in the que
- i wasn't going to argue with a clydesdale
- if there's one thing i've learned, it's to always let the pimp go first.

I know people who've clocked up enough milage on your mother that they could use the air miles to pay for her overweight charges.

Some guy told me to find a horse that's a sure thing and put all my money on it... but the coins kept ROLLING OFF YOUR MOTHER...
(although there were plenty of places to put my credit card)

-Kim

[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Kim ]</p>

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

[quote]Originally posted by Doctor Eric:
<strong>I thought the topic of this thread was "Lines for heckling kids" not "Abstract Heckler Theory" or "Morals for all Entertainers."
[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Doctor Eric ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

Right on!

Congrats... this is the first post in a long time here thats made me laugh out loud. here are my favorites...

Hey kid, don't SNORT the ritalin.

Hey kid, I left you a cookie in the street.

Shouldn't you be watching T.V.? Daddy's gonna be on Cops.

Why isn't that thing on a leash?

You're only here because rent's due at the K.O.A.

If only you'd been home when the meth lab exploded.

I could've been your Daddy, but the monkey cut in line.


....... and the winner is...

You remind me of my senile Grandmother, but taller.


Excellent response to the thread. Bravo!

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

hey Eric, right on!!!!!

[scot]

You would be perfect for my mulcher

Why don't you go play Dance Dance Revolution?

Do you pay those kids to hang out with you, or are they really stupid?

Go to Deja Vu and you'll see what grown men see every night. Your mom.

Go get a straw and some foil and I'll show you how babys like you are born.

[jester]

Hey Eric

Dream On!

[mini mansell]

based upon the insecurities of teenage boys.


shut up big nose
shut up spotty.
hey fat boy. shut up.


tends to silence them

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

Since we work next to a playground, and i had an extremely obnoxious 11-13 year old heckler, i recently used:


"hey kid, if i hear one more word out of you, I'll tell everyone here i wittnessed you eating a booger on the playground!"

Audience loved it (they were just as agitiated as I) and the kid shut up!

[scot]

"there's a reason your parents don't give you rules. They want you to die."

[Dan Tastik]

"there's a reason your parents don't give you rules. They want you to die."

brilliant.

[zoobie]

I'd hate to see stupid

I'm sure parents won't appreciate these...but you'd have to be a parent to understand

Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot :laugh:

[Keith Eveslage]

To an over enthusiastic kid who keeps talking over you lines -- "Do you want to help me? Be quiet! that will be helpful."

For a magician when confronted with " I know how you do that." -- "Well don't tell any one now when you can sell it to them later."

and scot, did you mean "(non attacking) "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make IT a living."

K!

[Pyromancer]

Ok, this is gonna make me look stupid, but what is a booger? Looked it up, but my dictionary doesn's show slang?

(And forgive me, I read in the paper today that dutchmen are a lot worse in foreign languages as they always asume)

[Doctor Eric]

a dried up piece of mucous that takes up residence in your nasal passage.

Lately I've been taking out time in my show to kneel down and explain the way of the world to a small child.

"Hey kid, shut up.

"God, that's not going to work, at this point you probably think that's your name.

"Look, I'm pretty sure I can take you.

"I'm serious. Don't screw with me, I live under your bed.

"You have to understand, I've been doing these shows for years, and one thing I know for sure, is that if I drench you in gasoline, and light you on fire, all of these people will clap."

[Pyromancer]

:) I like the last line...

[scot]

I meant "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make a living." as if they will learn that making a living is tough.

"You should watch more TV. Right now."

"I hope you catch SIDS"

"Go play cops and suicide bombers."

"You're here early. tomorrow's trash day"

"I know your parents aren't going to pay me."

"When passover comes, make sure your door's clean."

"This feels like the begining of a TV reenactment"

"shouldn't you be bleeding?"

"parents, buying the right toys can prevent this kind of birth."

[AJJames]

I would urge people to be extremely careful using agression to entertain people, its not big and its not clever

[jayrodin]

I agree. I don't see how that could be funny in any case if the kid was only 6. I rarely ever attack the kid himself but make cracks about bad parenting or peuberty although humiliation is very usefull in extreme cases but it's always playful never forceful or spiteful. Whatever you do I think it's a bad idea to get frusterated infront of the audience.

[AJJames]

I just read the other pages on this thread and want to just say respect to the USA Breakdancers, for their take on the subject.

[Doctor Eric]

" I don't work on heckle lines I work on making my show stronger and tighter"

Congratulations. This thread is for heckler lines and lines for children, you are perfectly free to start a thread called "unsolicited advice" and post there.

[AJJames]

what?

[Butterfly Man]

I wonder how much emotional damage a child might incur while he watches his father knock an entertainer out after their show.

Maybe if you had stopped and corrected your child when you were supposed to the situation you created could have been avoided.

That's my unsolicited advice.

And if you don't like it I'll can always come over there and kick your ass.

[Evan Young]

Originally posted by AJJames
Really sophisticated man, you should try that line in manchester some time, I'd love to watch as they try to see if it works in reverse on the fuck wit american

Says the "sophisticated" Brit using blue language, a run on sentence, and bad punctuation.

[Doctor Eric]

Jim, there's something wrong with the forum code, every time I try to read one of AJ's posts, it just displays as
EGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEG OinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOi nsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOins ecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsec urityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecur ityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurityDADDYissuesEGOinsecurit yDADDYissues...

Here's one, mostly for San Francisco

"You speak Spanish? And English? Great.

"I hate bilingual kids.

"You're six years old and speak two languages. I'm 29 and still work on a street corner, thanks a lot kid."

[jester]

I think threatening to hit a kid is bad. I think actually hitting somebody is even worse.

I think pretending to hit a kid is funny if it is done in a playful way. Everybody knows that hitting somebody is wrong.

Mr James, one day you may unwittingly do something under pressure that is rude or out of turn, would you really want to be decked for it?

Matt Richardson has not learned anything from you, except that you are a thug. Your son has seen thuggery endorsed by his father.

You have given away the moral high ground. However, you've done something Henry Kissinger never managed, you've made me agree with Dr Eric about something.

[scot]

I was just about to post exactly what Robert said.

now, back to the thread at large.

"you got out of the trunk... wait till I tell the ventriloquist."

"do you know what beastiality is? looks like your dad does. ask him."

"if you shut up you can grow up to be big and irresponsible like your parents."

"your dad's only punching me because he feels guilty for being a bad father."

"see how my shirt's all bloody, that's how mommy's panties should have been 6 years ago."

"when daddy goes to jail, it's only because he doesn't love you."

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Originally posted by Doctor Eric
" This thread is for heckler lines and lines for children, you are perfectly free to start a thread called "unsolicited advice" and post there.

Ahem. I'll refrain from mentioning flaming rubber chicken threads, because you two are posting some damn funny lines here.

Jesus, AJ, when was the last time you saw "funnier than thou" work?

When my daughter was two, it took me about five seconds to explain to her how to behave at a live show.
She had been talking out of turn during someone's act at the time. If she had been a difficult child, it might have taken longer. Still, its much less effort than punching someone.

[The Renaissance Man]

So he DIDN'T hit anybody, and you DID hit him...sure you're not a Yank?

I thought martial arts were s'posed to teach self-control.

Originally posted by AJJames
I would urge people to be extremely careful using agression to entertain people, its not big and its not clever as matthew richardson aka mat retardo found out the other day
, i saw a 6 year old kid sort of heckling mat retardo, just smiling and saying boo, recently, the response was to march up agressively with hand raised as if to strike him, it was outragously agressive and un proffessional, the heckle lines used were , if you do that again i will kick you, and everybody hear hates you, we all hate him don't we?

what he didnt know was it was my kid,

so after the show , i knocked him out , i can't believe i had the self control to wait till the end of the show, i can't believe i actually gave him the opportunity to appologise.

he was really cocky and it was so satisfying to wipe the smile off his face, he thought that the his audience would protect him, because three or four guys stood between me and him when i warned him that i would deck him, so i had to take him out Ong Bak style. wish i had the cctv footage, would make an ideal xmas present for any one who knows him

[AJJames]

Thanks for the comments,

[Stephon]

Your post would sound more contrite, AJ, if you hadn't sounded so proud in your first post.

And by your own description, your son was heckling. His behavior was out of line.


bloody panties. . .damn, that was funny, scot

[AJJames]

I am proud that I make my living from entertaining and educating children and not bullying them in a humourish manner.
funny that

[Peter]

Originally posted by AJJames
Thanks for the comments,
hi, look you don't know me,
I just had a really traumatic extreme situation happen to me, I am a little sensitive right now, please take it easy ,I am a parent of a 6 yrold boy and a six month old girl ... please don't kick my ass.

AJ, There is a difference between a parent, or an adult whichever term you perfer, and a 6 year old. The 6 year old reacts to an "extreme situation." An adult steps back and thinks things through before responding to an "extreme situation.

Seems like there is no difference between you and your child. Oh, BTW, I have 6 kids, 13 grandchildren and 1 great-grandson so I do have some experience with raising kids.

[jayrodin]

Lean in really close and put your hand on the kids shoulder. "Alright, I know you must be going through puberty right now, your body is changing, and this is a very exciting time for you. You’re experiencing all these new feelings and thoughts and they can be confusing and they can make you act a little funny sometimes, and I’m not sure but I think this may be what is happening right now. You see, you think by acting all tough and trying to ruin my show it makes you look cool but none of these people think you look cool right now, infact you look very uncool, and everyone is very annoyed with you. If you would like to continue watching then please take a seat and enjoy the show but if you feel you cannot control these urges right now I think it would be best if you would leave. Run along now, bye bye."

I was watching a movie a while back and a group of kids in the next row were being super obnoxious and I just blurted something like that out. It shut them right up. Please sharpen it up a bit if you like.

[Evan Young]

14(ish) year old girls in groups can be annoying, and are probably my bigist problem if they start harassing me. I underestimate their age by a few years and say.
"It's okay, I remember what it was like to be 11, it's hard, keep it comming." then you ignore them.

they scoff, yell out their real age as if anyone cares and will soon leave, trying to look like they arn't embarressed. if there are there with any guys the guys will laugh. it has NEVER failed me.



it helps if preface by niceley asking if they are going to be making sarcastic comments that arn't funny for the rest of the show.

[AJJames]

fair enough peter, I thank you for you words of wisdom, I am still young and impetuous, instinctive,
i can only reiterate, i have been in many extreme situations and never reacted like that, i am 31 and have only done that once
and i am not proud i reacted like that

[Stephon]

Originally posted by AJJames
Has anyone noticed that the people having a go at me are none parents and no one having a go at me actually knows mat ricardo funny that

Butterfly Man is a parent. Taxi said he has a daughter. I am a parent, and I know for a fact that others who posted are parents.

My child knows how to behave in an audience. As a performer, I feel there is no excuse for my child not knowing what is and isn't acceptable at someone else's show.

And knowing or not knowing Mat(t) is immaterial--you are not responsible for his behavior, you're responsible for your own and your child's.

[scot]

My favourite Daniel Packard heckle line: "Crouching heckler, hidden agenda"

"Be good or santa will bring you AIDS"

"Could you please have a moment of silence for (name a tragedy)" then, if they interupt again, "Have you no respect for the dead? shh!"

[jayrodin]

I don't agree with punching people and yes AJ should've corrected his kid but come on guys. I think he's admitted he was wrong and yall seem to be saying the same thing over and over again now. If you need to, go call me stupid in my fire eating thread some more.

I like the Santa will bring you AIDs line.

The fire eating is coming along great by the way. Don't think I'll be performing it much ever really though...

[AJJames]

"sorry i don't speak pubic"

j-p's line i think

[scot]

You guys are spoiling a good thread. Punch all the people you want and eat fire. Just do it somewhere else.

[seagull]

I heard Johnny Cash use this once at a prison gig:

"I sorry I couldn't hear you, I was talking."

Works pretty good with kids too...:)

[Doctor Eric]

It's not a heckler line, but I was using this for a while...

I had a joke with the word douchebag in it, when I'd get the "OOOHHHH!" I'd say this

"Come on parents, how would any of your kids know what that is? Look..."

I'd walk up to a five-year-old

"Do you know what the word 'douchebag' means?"

He'd shake his head "No"

"It means 'The Greatest Father in the World', is your Daddy a douchebag?"

nods

"Go ahead and tell him then..."

"Daddy, YOU'RE the DOUCHEBAG!"

[jayrodin]

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!" then stick your toungue out and wiggle your arse.

It's an oldy, but a goody.

[theincrediblelarry]

Kids, this show is sponered by broccoli, so eat it!

[jesus]

I dream of a world where we all use all of the same lines.

[jesus]

'You're the reason some species eat their young."

[gav]

I know Aj, I've met Mat on a few occasions.
AJ is actually a very decent guy. Mat comes across as a very 'dark' person. I couldn't comment further except to say that in my opinion a line like 'if you don't shut up I'll kick you' is unliikely to come across as comedy from him.

You all mostly seem to be missing one point which is AJs' son wasn't acting out of line because Mat had solicited the boos from the crowd. AJs son simply was a little more enthusiastic than the others probably because being a performers son he had learnt that it's good to support the wants of the performer you're watching. For this he was threatened with violence.
Not funny or clever.
If you're having to heckle kids in your show so much that you need a whole bunch of lines for it, to me it seems that there is probably something wrong with your show.
Don't forget you perform your show in a public place for everybody that happens to be around. If you don't want to keep kids as well as adults entertained, than you should move indoors and inforce an age limit on entry.

Don't pay out on little kids just because they are enjoying the show in a way that you don't like.

[gav]

Living where I do, i rarely have any trouble with kids in the show. In fact I just finished 5 days of work in Serbia where the kids have far more respect for adults thatn they do in most places I've been.
If I do ever have any trouble with them I simply say ' parents please take responsibilty for your children. If you don't, I'll sell them to the Gipsys.The next time you see them they'll be 35 and doing what I do for a living only without shoes and success.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Gav,

We're enjoying posting and reading heckle lines for kids.; this doesn't mean any of us are heckling kids so much that we need a bunch of lines for our shows, but thanks for the educative tip.

Saturday, partially out of thoughts from this thread, I blurted out "Who is raising these monsters?" Very big laugh, actually, except for two people.

[Stephon]

Originally posted by gav
You all mostly seem to be missing one point which is AJs' son wasn't acting out of line because Mat had solicited the boos from the crowd. You're right, I did somehow completely miss that part of the story.

Sorry about that AJ. Please disregard anything I said related to the booing.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

I started this thread years ago to get some input from others that would help the creative juices flow.

There have been some really great ones on these pages that i'm sure others have used.

At no time did i want to do a show where i ripped on kids for no reason.

[Hunter]

"Ah, thanks kid; that reminds me. Everyone please stop by after the show and sign my petition to install bent coat hangers and a bottle of whisky in all public restrooms. Let's think of the less fortunate here."

[Richard]

Here's a coupon for a free Michael Vick puppy.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

How 'bout this one: "For being the most obnoxious kid in the crowd, I have a prize...." then hand the kid a toy with a big tag that says MADE IN CHINA

[scot]

Here's one to make up for it, all you sensitives...

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of you so much, I just thought you'd be better."

Gav. I have tons of heckle lines in my street shows because I lead the hecklers and I play with them like it's a LIVE show. So many performers do canned shows where everyone one is exactly the same, audiences are refreshed.

[Doctor Eric]

And Gav, seriously, lay off, 60% of my show is aggression towards kids, the meaner I am the more they love it. Little bastards.

[jeep caillouet]

I stold this some where down the line ,it always works... "get out of here kid you bother me!" I like your douchebag lines Doctor Eric. I'm sure I'll need it some time in the future,I only hope I will remember it when I need it the most! Hey Dallas come on down we are scheduled to shoot that buskers TV show on the 12th of Sept. Call me. Any one else can come too. It's one of 11 shows to be shot in11 cites about busking in America, for the travel channel.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

Jeep,

Nick,Sharon and I ARE coming down Saturday night. We won't get in 'til early Sunday. Will work Sunday and Monday and head back up here.(Nick's in school)

[AJJames]

Its been a year since the incident with Matt Ricardo.
just wanted to say thanks Gav for pointing out the crucial facts of the case that so many idiots commented on with out knowing them. I can't believe how nicey nicey appologetic I was to all the ignorant people that dared to be so insulting to my character.
now I don't feel so vulnerable to wankers criticism , I just want to say to all those that had the gall to insult me after I had a traumatic experience. you are going to have to face me one day and I can't wait. I won't forget , to you it was just an everyday pass time of insulting people from the safety of your computer , but for me it was a rare occasion that I will never forget and I will never forget those who thought they could speak to me disrespectfully.
dr eric, where abouts do you work, I am planning a trip to the divided states of hypocrisy , and I want to come and find you, we could carry on our discussion face to face

[Peter Voice]

Yo AJ
We've known each other a long time and your last post is starting to sound a bit like Chance or Trevor on a bad day.

Move on. We all, performers, audiences, kids (ours and others) have bad days. Not much point in making this one of yours.

[seagull]

Some really smart people can learn by watching others make a mistake. (wish I was one)
Most of us have to make our own mistake to learn anything.

And some people never learn, even after a year...


For a teenage boy:

Folks see how things have changed, you know when I was a kid you would have got beat up walking around in an outfit like that. We use to buy our cloths at the good will to, but at least I got to pick from the boys section.

[Peter]

Originally posted by Peter Voice
Yo AJ
We've known each other a long time and your last post is starting to sound a bit like Chance or Trevor on a bad day.

Move on. We all, performers, audiences, kids (ours and others) have bad days. Not much point in making this one of yours.

Now that explains the PM I received from AJ titled "FUCK YOU." He accused me of being condescending to him. I did reply telling him he had me mixed up with you Peter. So expect a PM telling you how you offended him from AJ.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Originally posted by AJJames
I just want to say to all those that had the gall to insult me after I had a traumatic experience.

What? Traumatic? AJ, your original post about punching Matt sounded arrogant and condescending, not traumatized.

You posted:
"I would like to emphasise that I am not saying everyone who uses heckle lines on kids should be punched , at all."

Wow! Thanks! How open minded of you!

Boast to a group of performers how you just knocked one of us out after a show, and what do you expect? Our respect and civility? Blow me!

[scot]

If I punched everyone who disrespected me, I would get beaten up every hour.

[jeep caillouet]

Hey AJ I sorta do a redneck show, could I use some of your best lines? Oh by the way do you live in a trailer park up there?heckel heckel heckel...

[Doctor Eric]

I did a show on the circle last night, one of those ones where you start with no one, keep plugging at it, and all of a sudden, huge, great crowd.

I was jumping all over the place, and at one point point, there's these two pages from an SFWeekly, or whatever, blowing across the pitch, distracting me. You know the kind, from the free weekly paper, they're two sheets wide, real thick newsprint.

So I grab the two in a big wad, hand them to an eight-year-old Mexican kid, and say "If you can eat that whole thing by the end of the show, I'll give you twenty bucks."

The kid doesn't flinch, doesn't hesitate at all, just grabs the wad out of my hand, takes a big bite, and starts chewing, with this proud, determined look in his eye.

The crowd goes nuts, I lose it, too, and start laughing hysterically; he's still chewing. Still chewing. Keep in mind, this wad of newspaper is about as tall as the kid, one end in his mouth, the other scraping the tops of his Keds.

As the laughter starts to die down a little (which takes a while), I see his mom standing behind him. Smiling.

"His mom is right there, and she's not even STOPPING him!

"'No that's okay honey, we need the money, you just keep chewing, just like Daddy taught you.'"

He's still chewing.

This little white girl on the other side of the circle starts squealing with delight.

I say "that's pretty funny, huh?

"Why don't you go over and start on the other end of it, we'll see who finishes first?"

She looks at me and starts shaking her head...

"What?! You don't like Mexicans?"

[Doctor Eric]

Heh. I just saw AJ's threat, didn't notice it before.

San Francisco, CA, USA, AJ. Feel free to come down and punch me in the face anytime you'd like. You wouldn't be the first.

[jeep caillouet]

I did a trip across country San Fransisco to New York one time with Sonny Holiday in the fall of 1984 . We were working on opposite corners one night in NYC. He was doing a card routine where he was showing the people all the cards when one heckler said "let's see those cards"Sonny told him "that's close enough" and kept on showing the the cards when the guy interrupted again "lets see those cards" Sonny Told him "I said that's close enough" the guy heckled him again . Sonny politely stabbed him 17 times, grabbed his table and his cups and balls hailed a cab and he was gone!!! This is hear say you know because I was on the other Corner ,but I did have to get him out of jail a few days later. Just goes to show you can't heckle some street performers.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

Wish I was in that crowd!!! Jeep, We'll see you Sunday.

[jeep caillouet]

It would have been a hard show to follow for shure if he had been able to collect his hat. YEHAAAAAAAAAA...

[AJJames]

true, that does sound like I was having a trevor day,
think i need a holiday, or just some sleep
eric I was ranting but I do prefer discussions over fisticuffs, i would like to have it out verbally, matt ricardo was an isolated incident , i haven't decked anyone else in my 14 years street performing.
and not many people have tried to deck me.
oh very sorry peter for the fuck you, i was ver impetuous there, it wasn't intended for the other peter , it was just a stupid rant at you because i thought you were someone else.
taxi- who the fuck are you ? blow you ? ok I'll play,
no I won't actually.
look, basic facts are, me punching anyone , is very rare, unheard of even, matt ricardo being puched is very common, everyone really hates him at best. I am sorry I did it ... sort of, not that he didn't deserve it, but I wish I hadn't when all is said and done.
don't know what I was thinking posting on performers .net I guess I didn't think how it would look to people that didn't know Matt, because I knew that every single person thats ever met him would totally understand. and well not one single person who knows him has said a thing on this thread.
its only people who are a bit quick to judge but, fair enough , I'm not judging you, you were only going with the information you had.
can't say I wouldn't be as quick to judge, i might be.
I probably wouldn't be so antagonistic to someone that hasn't directly threatened me, whats your problem with me? just the punch and tell posts? or is it more?
and are you actually wanting to get a blowjob, cos my blow jobs are as legendary as my kung fu.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

.
"Blow me" is a figure of speech here used as a sensitive alternative to "kiss my ass".

[Peter Voice]

Ummmm, gee, Peter, thanks?????

Should I expect any more unpleasant emails from your inbox?

[seagull]

I don't think OJ is planning to kill anyone else either...

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

"I don't know if you realize this, but, you don't have a speaking part."

[Lex Brodie]

I remember in the Army, the way the drill instructors would ALWAYS shut down any whining, or attention-getting behavior of any kind was the withering line, "You think you're SPECIAL" or some variation thereof.

No one who wants to be "cool" or part of a group, wants to be singled out as "special", or weak.

So I love the idea of saying the kid doesn't get any attention at home, Can't the audience all say Hi, tell him he's special, Anyone want to give this kid a hug? He looks like he really needs one... etc. ..... Teenagers hate this lovey-dovey stuff and implications that they're weak, little kids mentally.... it will shut 'em right down I bet. If all else fails, pretend you think they're a Brit that'll get 'em good.

Much better than saying their Mom's a whore or on crack, too many times the kids are probably just used to hearing it, because she is.

[Mat Ricardo]

Wow.

just came across the epic thread, and felt the need to say something.

So, yeah, The thing with AJ happened years ago now.

Some of the facts are a little off. I didn't threaten to hit the kid. I stole his hat & threw it into the crowd. Not quite the same thing.

I did get punched, while carrying three bags and a table, en route to the dressing room to avoid what had become a very umpleasant situation. Loud vocal threats of violence in front of an audience, I felt, were best avoided. While walking to the dressing room, AJ did indeed pop up and smack me in the face.

I got up, didn't respond, and continued to go to the dressing room. He got taken away by the police, who had been called by the festival organisers.

He has since apologised, saying that he was going through some stuff at the time, and that he takes responsibility for it, and regrets it, so as far as I'm concerned - between me and AJ - there's no issue. We've worked in the same place several times since with no problems.

Oh, and as for Gav who seems to think I'm "dark", sorry fella, don't know who you are (at least not from the name Gav), and don't remember meeting you, but thanks for the character assasination! Boo!

[Kazoo]

I usually toss it out depending on the age if a smaller child I toss a clean new kazoo and ask them to do better. If old enough to know better I usually toss out either a [you could be me in a few decades think about it] to [at least I'm not supported by my parents].