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Old 07-05-02, 08:52 AM   #1
nick nickolas
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Cool My Glastonbury.....Nick Nickolas

DAY ONE...


A swarm of international vaudvillians land on 19 Swingfield ( My London address ), Martin Ewen and Celia from Connecticut, Shep Huntly , Ulla Taylor and Becks from Melbourne, Peppe Mime from Dudley and myself. We are very much on the ball this year with Shep, Peppe and myself organising Operation Temple.

Scored the Van from East London Rentals loaded in everything but the kitchen sink and hall carpet...as we leave the flat to the local cash and carry Amy calls out..."At least leave the coffe perculator, I ain't going 'till tomorra'" so she gets the perculator and we'll be having cowboy coffee tomorrow morning mmmm that's fine...
Three in the front and four squeezed in between cans of beans, eggs and beer in the rear....

Smooth riding out of London, off the North Circular and into the English countryside...
"Nick have you got a spare car pass" Lucky Rich asks down the phone attached to my head.
"No Worries" I reply "Stay in touch on the mobile mate".
Stonehenge appears on the left in front of us,,,,yes nearly there....
A trail through the hedge lined maze of the somerset back roads leads us to the fence, dug a metre or so into the ground and raising up 20ft with a razor sharp top should deter the jumpers this year
( 50'000 people jumped/got through the security last festival and they have to make sure it doesn't happen again, otherwise no gig)..
" Have you got any glass " the security gate man says as we show our tickets..."Nope dya waana beer mate?" Shep replies...It warked he took the tinny and let us through..

Arriving at the normal camping spot we see a couple of fire twirlers had tried to occupy 'our' area but Haggis had already put a reserved sign out saying 'Bang On Street Performers Only'....Bang on Haggis!.
Peppe pitches his tent and sleeps!!!
An expedition with the van to the fire wood pile.... as we sort through the punters carrying a few sticks on their arms we proceed to load our Citron Relay....Dirty Fred throwing logs from over the fence narrowly missing the not yet drug fried hippies....

The wood is landed and the fire started ...'Toot Toot,,Yehaaaa!' The Happy Side Show van arrives, parks up next to me and Fred and another half a dozen tents fill our temporary home.
Peppe sleeps!!!
As the waning moon appears in the East the grill is on and the pots are a boiling,,,Grill kindly supplied by Hackney Council(anti squatters bars)....

Now the Theatre/Cicus section of this Festival consists of 2,000 or so people all in the same game as us...making people happy,,,we have warm showers, toilets that don't smell, a green room marque which has great music food and beer...even good guinness!

A secret bar can be found between a couple of mercedes vans behind the pink buick and ambulance.Two Saloon doors marks the entrance to the Stickleback/Splott establishment named the Nip Inn...Fully Furnished, Fully Operational and lots af mirror balls ( Em's influence I reckon)...

Back to the camp and it is all going off, a big pot of veggies and rice gets demolished by hungry clowns...dishes are washed ....
Peppe sleeps!!!
Another 'phone call from Lucky telling me he is arriving tomorrow sometime, comes in ..."all to easy" I think to myself.

Out on site with two days to go before the gig officially starts a few thousand hippies wander around staring with inane smiles at the techno curry shops and candle powered steam boats. a Trapeze group gathers a small crowd as they go through a rehersal of intricate flips and twirls and a tennents filled scotsman howls at the moon...

Peppe climbs out of his tent looking like a cross betwen a giant raison and Gollum staring with glazed wide eyes at what has happened around him the last few hours...

I let the dreamland take over my head ...goodnight...

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Old 07-05-02, 01:48 PM   #2
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Nice write up, Nick. Wish I coulda been in the van, or that the subfest I'm working could stand up to a review. Can you include a rough estimate of Martin's blood alcohol level in the next installment? I've got a gig set up for him back in the states, and wonder if there will be enough coffee in New England to bring him around without going into the Starbucks underground reserve vat.
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Old 07-06-02, 07:40 AM   #3
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DAY 2...

One thought in my mind as I sip cowboy coffee through my teeth
( Actually it wasn't to bad thanks to the ingenius Ulla straining it through a dishcloth and a couple of sheets of toilet paper)...
'Got to sort Lucky out'....
Beep goes the text....'just got past Stonehenge'.....
'let me know when you hit the queue' I write back....
Peppe is still awake from yesterday and is busy frying eggs on the bargrill.

The clouds cool the day but provide a worrying catchment of rain over head as Ulla and I take a stroll through the Greenfields and up to the stone circle...
We wander past the Giant wicker snail being covered in thick green branches with it's shell providing a wonderful shellhouse for the kids.
The permaculture garden with medicinal and health giving plants is plotted around a carpeted maze here you can learn fasinating facts like stinging nettles make a tea strong in iron and dandelion root can help improve your sex life.

After a quick shot of elderflower punch I find myself getting the rundown on clay ovens .....Dig a hole, put in a 44 gallon drum, cover all with the clay you've dug, leave some room underneath for a fire, chimney at the back and door on the front...away ya go...

We get to the stone cirle and see the whole site beginning to take formation under the clouds that are being blown away to the west giving us a clear day.The water dragon which just sits all day everyday all year in the trickling stream around the corner seems to be protecting the stones or are they protecting him.....?

Back at the camp I ask Fred if I can borrow his bike to get Lucky
( a few text's by now have bounced back and forth)
Off I go on Freds Amsterdam bike across the fields thgrough the hippies and weirdos of which now there are 10's of thousands...Gate 4..yes... got to get a pass out...no worries....I chill and do as the security say ...I'm out and cycling along a large jam of cars 1km,2km,3km no sign of the tattooed wonder,,Ring Ring "We're at the cattle grids now" Lucky says....

I turn around and cycle back along the jam of cars....1km,2km,3km Sit and wait at the front gate gasping for thirst wondering if it is cool to drink from a puddle with a straw!
"Yes mate" comes the voice from the car...
I go to hand him the car pass...
"Oh I've already got that one, is that all you need?" Lucky says.....
I say nothing... heading home, getting speed on a downhill dodging punters, cow shit and blankets, the speed picks up, I turn the handlebars,they turn, the bike doesn't!!

Cursing Fred and his clown bike I pick myself up and wander to the Nip Inn for a Black Russian...'the best on site' Pee Wee claims, and I'd like to say he's bloody right after a couple of those I found myself playng football with the Nip Inn kids but got substituted when a goal was scored over my head 'cos I'd done a Seaman and came off my line!

Back at the camp a kitchen table and a bang on bench have been erected by Markus the Kiwi an excellent feat of engineering I must say... Martin is wandering around with a propeller head muttering to himself.."I will not drink or partake in anything" repeating it over and over and over muttering, twitching in the smokey wind, " How long will this last" I ask myself downing a beer.

The Kitchen has a huge Gazebo over it and the larder is a 3 man dome tent, the table is full and there are a couple of slabs of beer still in the larder, more beers and a secret cache of whiskey and coffee sit silently in my van.....I climb in next to them snuggle snuggle sleep....It all starts tomorrow......
]

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Old 07-07-02, 04:52 AM   #4
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Now you've really got me worried Nick. What did you say to Lucky when you "sorted him out"?
He's getting all lovey-dovey and I'm confused.

ps. Who's Ulla?
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Old 07-07-02, 09:05 AM   #5
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DAY 3...

Ungluing my eyelids with evian soaked fingers, the day begins with the crash of the van door opening, talking to Peppe who is still awake and cooking eggs I sip my coffee and inhale nicotine.

Hopping into the pedi cab run by Robin Van Donk we make our way past the 2 pygmi Guatamalan hitchikers weave around the stilt footballers as they take a shot and hit the post which was in the form of a dreadlocked chanting blanket...

The outside circus stage is the location for my first performance.
Ive got to follow what must be the slowest escape act in town the audiance stares as we wait for this prozac/valium filled sack escape to end,,,now I know it is Glastonbury and we are meant to chill but quite frankly a cup of cocoa with granny in the early evening is more rocket fuelled than this bloke!
So I waited and did the set...
The trippers stared...
The speed freaks kept running around...
Pill poppers danced to the generator....
Pot heads just rolled ...
and the super tennants man was still howling....


Walked past the ferris wheel and a menargerie of scantily clad stilt walkers, Petra Massey was there dressed like a 20yr old rockerbilly trying desperatly to get her pedal car out of a ditch, I left her therre promising to call the A.A.

Back at the camp Martin was still wearing the propeller muttering to trees and Space Cowboy was fast asleep by the wood pile....

The evening came around and I had a full blast of top notch entertainment, first on my list was seeing Spearhead on the Jazz stage I joined the 5,000 or so people experiancing this wicked band with a front man who dropped words that seriously made you think!

The Cabaret tent was next, Some Canadian bloke came out and started to die...its not that he wasnt funny ...he just wasnt funny!
" Get your gear off " the crowd started chanting..
"He made a deal Ill take an item of clothing off for everytime you laugh" he foolishly replied, constant laughter from all ( he had no small print about contrived laughter),,,,,,,he laft the stage....clothed....CHEAT!

Next up was The Bastard Son of Tommy Cooper who opened by pissing on the audiance then proceeded to do very funny anarcic magic and swallowing a neon tube , then doing the tesler coil with a halo on his head and a light bulb up his arse..

In the Circus Big Top the best double trapeze I have ever seen was performed by a couple who go under the name of Tumble Circus,,,,,totally wicked..

The Happy Sideshow closed the night with a fantastic performance ...including top notch double whip cracking , crutchless angle grinding, Frodo pooping his joints out and in with the microphone amplifing everything , then Space Cowboy ( he woke for the show )...swallowing the neon tube but with a mini mike on it .....hard to describe the noise coming through the speakers there so...just imagine if you can...

Freezing cold night Im just glad Im in a van..The pill poppwers were dancing around a strobe which I found out to be an epilectic cameraman on closer inspection.....

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Old 07-08-02, 01:21 PM   #6
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Talking

DAY 4...

Noon arrived..calling good morning! and the sun was shining again, the camp is in full swing this morning/afternoon, kitchen table stocked up fat, fresh coffee, japanese soy sauce, eggfried noodles, dutch salty licorice and icelandic salty fish....
Breakfast this morning was a hearty one mushrooms/tomatoes/eggs/toast filled the stomach in preparation for the adventures ahead...

Mission today was to find the invisable circus, yes I know that does sound a bit strange but this is Glastonbury and even though no one has seen them I hear they are here...in Lost Vaugeness...!
So out through the looking glass I go...The Tee Pee field provided a calm as you wander past the pyramid canvas clad sticks and under the hanging chairs, the truffle dealer sells me some 'chocolate'...

Lost Vagueness is in sight...now this area includes a casino
(strict dress code there) a roller disco, a chapel ( a few people got officially married at the festival this year )...but the Invisables where were they?...Actually they were nowhere to be found , well it's all in the name I guess!

Wandering through the green field had a rest on a couch made out of the peices of turf cut from the field to make the giant concentric cirle thing which I found out was a landing pad for the pleadians when they arrive mmmmm Id never heard of them so asked him if he knew when Rolf Harris was playing?"Tomorrow at noon" replied the furry faced manhuman...
"See everyone knows who Rolf is", I
think to my self as I wander off....
Passing the 24hr shop where you can buy it all from red bull to rizla, from noodles to toilet paper..never closing always operating, a Ghanaian bloke asks me where he can buy some ganja.
"go to the grass field" I tell him
"oh you are doooooooooong"(spelt phoneticly) he replies , which is Thankyou very much in Ghanish as if you didnt know.

As darkness lands on us a 20 metre luminesant ball floats overhead supporting an angel strapped on a trapeze rig below, controlled by two rigger guys either side this creation can move in any horizontal or vertical direction required, to see the angel float down and touch the outstretched hand of a wheelchair clad middle aged lady was a beautiful thing....

Ian Cognito took the cabaret stage by the balls tonight ranting truth and lies about the social polictical structure of the world....
"George.W.Bush are you fucking stupid he screams, still looking for the Taliban, still looking for the Al Queda weapons cache???? Why don't you read the address on the fucking invoice!"...has got to be the best line of the festival so far, nice one Ian.

Had a piss in the long drop and watched the golden sparks of the angle grinders on the left as the fireworks were falling on my right while the ominous glow of the soft ice van lit my penis.

The Nip Inn was going off tonight Cosmic Sausage band must have played for 6hrs covering everything imaginable inbetween the unimaginale(is there such a thing?)...Ulla (from chalk circle Peter!) and I took over the bar as PeeWee, Emma and Dave took a break,

"Sell everything for 3 Quid" Dave said

"Ill give you a fiver for the lot" came a voice from under the glitter ball in the corner.
It was Martin Ewen with a chicken on his head " I've taken it all, Jesus is dead and Santa is a Pleadian" he clucked....He has definatly stopped muttering....

Clamboured into the camp about 6am I reckon, Peppe's was scrambling eggs, set the alarm for Rolf at noon and close my eyes......

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Old 07-09-02, 06:12 PM   #7
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THE FIFTH DAY...

Rolf Harris was playing his weeegi board as I woke up,,,missing the alarm and finding out I was on in 45mins.

I said a quiet apology to Rolf, borrowed a straight jacket, threw some cards in my pocket, had some of last nights stew,swallowed a guarana ball, drank some hot water with powdered coffee and 8 lumps of sugar....Some how found my way to the stage via a few Red Bulls and weird hitchikers......Mr Valium escape was on before me(as always), he did what seemed like a decade up there(I was ready to claim my pension just before he went up!)....

Famos (Paddy) Bramwells the fantastic M.C. of the outside circus stage somehow turned this vacant blob of an audiance in to an attentive mass using an old street performimg technique of litter collecting ... As per normal it worked fantstically...god the man is a genius !!

I went through 30mins of changing a blokes fiver into a reciept, dealing from a Taffy heckler who I got to tie me up in the straightjacket. Then telling the people that if I don't get out of this in 30 seconds I'd give everyone a joint!
I didn't make it , got Taffy back up, I had a five skinner rolled ready, lit it, passed it to Taffy and said have a toke and pass it on...
"make sure it gets round everyone mate"


Thank god the Nip Inn was open for a couple of Bloody Marys for the apres show/pre show ( I've got the Big Top in an hour).

"Martin was in earlier" Pee Wee said....."Barking like a dog "

Back at the camp Peppe is still on the egg front.....
"Are you still awake?" I exclaim.
"Yeah mate I'm not going to sleep at all" Peppe says.
"How d'ya manage that" I question.
"The eggs Nick, the eggs they are special eggs, I gave one to Martin the other day didn't you notice!!?"
I ate an egg consequently my big top show went off!!!(I was told).

Passing a clucking 8ft high pantomime on the way home...I sleep !!

I'm awake it's 11pm, I'm fully charged ready to go, it's 11pm and St Germain are playing.
Ulla and I wander into the Jazz field have a taste of this French music man get even more charged so charge to find the Invisables,

They were on, fully up and running 1am, Douggie doing a fantastic job as a macabre clown ringmaster, the crystal nymphs throwing your mind one way then Dadao the Hunchback sending you somewhere else with his finger puppets...bang on job to all there !

In Green Marque backstage Rumple was dancing with cloak and bells to the sound of the band breaking down.

We strolled to the Nip Inn ...Blimey it was going off, the Cosmic Sausages were playing again (do they ever stop!) and the frollicks and bollicks were flying (they are cocktails by the way)everywhere.

Rolf Harris was being belted out by Ulla and the Sausages when a kiwi walked in, clad in a total safari get up asking if any one minded if he did a couple of Elvis numbers,,,the bollicks certainly did fly then....but the frocks and frollics really flew when New York New York was chorsed lined as the birds sang the morning has broken.

People had already left the site before I hit the pillow...it's already day six!

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Old 07-11-02, 03:02 PM   #8
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DAY 6....

Strolled into the camp at 11am..Is it day or is it night????

Peppe is STILL awake!!!

Cowboy is STILL asleep!!!

I'm knackered, Glastonbury has got me, my body feels like it has been bombed by the Taliban and a continual firework display is operating in my skull.

People are striking tents, packing sleeping bags, folding blankets and starting cars, buzzing like bees going to return to thir hives
(homes) back to their Queens (televisions).

After a few hours sleep to calm the morter shells in my head I awake ..it's 11pm Glastonbury has slipped me into antipodean time which is handy as most of our ranch are from down under.

Two thirds of the theatre/circus campground has been struck but a few burning fires do remain dotted around like pieces of salami on a pizza.

I wander through the remains of this kalidoscope town to the stone circle and look downaccompanied by the guitar music provided by the patchwork clad hippies under the tree behind me.

Some stalls still are in operation, the extasy brigade pulsate and gyrate around the generator while the 24hr store gets broken down and human scavangers scour the earth looking for tarps, small baggies and...whatever is left of this wonderland.

Back at the camp, the fire has been amped right up with metre high flames licking their way around the logs that are todays fuel, people back right back from the heat...

Peppe is now on the boiled eggs and Martin has sprouted wings and a beake.....

A cup of cocoa and bed by 4.30 am (an early night).

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Old 07-15-02, 07:16 AM   #9
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Still two more days to go folks...apologies for the wait five days ago I was on the coast of Spain , ten days ago I was in Glastonbury, yesterday was in East London and now am in a coffee shop in Amsterdam....so here goes...

Day 7...

Pitter Patter of rain on the tin roof of the van made me think of the rest of other members of our posse in tents oooohhhhh...

Clamboured out with a brand new unopened pack of coffee (secret, secret, stash) to see Cowboy asleep on the bush bench complete with umbrella in hand and Peppe crawing out of a puddle filled tent looking once again remarkably like Gollum with eyes like a oppusum frozen by headlights....Then goes on to explain that he didn't sleep a bean, whatever that means ( probably that the Banana Kings are dead)...

Garlic mushrooms, lentil stew, eggs and charcoal toast were some of the items on the menu today. We tried to eat without choking as Shep, Frodo and The Mighty Gareth (TMG) started blowing up fruit and veg with explosives....the orange had no chance, the melon schrapnel went everyhere but the cabbage which took two charges stayed where it was staring at us like a seaweed covered rock. That's when Shep had an idea....
"Why don't we put a banger under Shane?" (Space Cowboy)..that's gotta wake him up"
We all watched as the device was lit and Sheppy took a sheepish step back...... *BANGO!*......

The only thing that moved was the lentil soup being projected from various nostrils around the fire as the group had fits..

"Let's use two of the big ones" Frodo suggests

*BANGO BOOM BOOM!*.....no movement from the cowboy....

My only thought can be that Shane is a cabbage!!!!

As the fire is restoked ( it had partly gone out due to flying lentil soup) Robin Van Donk pulls out the backgammon asking for challangers...
Couple of games later and a few quid better of I hear
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNAAA KINGS WILL CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALANGE THE WOOORLD!!!!!" from the raison headed swamp mime scrambling eggs..

Cowboy arises and sleepwalking finds his way into a puddle free tent...

After gaining a little more weight in my purse I go to check out the remains of the site. Most people have gone now, tractors, cranes, bulldozers and workmen make up most of the population but saying that you don't have to look very hard to see the last of the mushroom trippers believing they can live forever under their pile of leaves...

I make my way to see Bella, now let me just say somthing about this woman she is the boss of the Theatre/circus areas of this massive gig and while the organisation is bigger than huge and takes months of organisation she also manages to manage the Childrens charity which is a massive job in itself she does this work selflessly and continues to radiate a warmness to everyone around, what a woman,,,bang on Bells x

So Bella is the Woman who gives you the dosh in exchange for the report which you have to get filled in after every show, now my report was very much like my school reports ' Acted the clown , wouldn't shut up and wanted to be the centre of attention'. Unlike shool I got paid and praised...ahhh Show biz!

Back at the camp TMG and Shep had constucted a BOMB out of a dozen or so modelling ballons filled with gas a couple of bangers with extra long fuse leading to the gunpowder (where do they get this stuff?) soaked in lighter fuel.

" We're gonna wake up the cowboy " Shep explains with a Jack Nicholson smile.

I just watch with the others as Shep sidles up to the tent containing Shane slips in the BOMB and strkes a match....!!BADDANGBOOM!!
Shane exited the tent with the flames of the lighter fluid in tow and the!!*BAZAFUCKINGBADOOM*!!! of the gunpowder just behind him...

"What do you think of that" I ask Peppe.

" I'm just glad I woke up when I did! Do you want some eggs?"
he replied peeling pieces of tent off his jacket and extracting a pole from his arse...

We all laughed like goats 'till the wee hours....
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Old 07-15-02, 08:17 AM   #10
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Day 8...The Conclusion.

Tents were being hung on the security fence to dry, piles of litter were being constucted and the last supper was on the boil.

Today we head back to reality the last bastille is folding up....

After cleaning the remnants of the stew with the last of the bread we planted some potatoes and carrots it the hope of a next year crop.

The bush table and bench went back in the bush and the cable table was rolled down the hill...

Convoying out of the fence with The Happy Sideshow in tow we weaved our way to Glastonbury Town. Parked up and went into the Abbey (Peppe said "I'll be in the closest boozer") for the feel of centuries, slouched around King Arthurs burial site I imagined how it was here those 100's of years ago with Cromwell coming in for the slaughter just 'cos Henry the 8th wanted a divorce.

Next stop a walk up Glastonbury Tor...Where's Pep's boozers have been searched, chicken farms visited but to no avail...Celia ( a buisness manager) finally finds him sucking a Jack Daniels in the boozer furthest away from the van!

We lock him in and tape up the windows before we stroll up the Tor...Haggis is already up there with the Side show crew ( he lives in the manor)..after dodging cowshit, getting a history lesson from Haggis and braving the wind we wander back....

Down the A303, and on the the M4...London bound..Martin,Peppe, (asleep!) Ulla and Celia in the back, Shep myself and Robin (replacment passanger) in the front.

My front room once again is filled with packs/tents/boxes and bags. The kitchen shelves are being filled with the remains of the store, baked beans, pasta, long life milk and sardines...Fucking sardines...?
14 tins!! Who brought the sardines?

The Queue for the bath is hours long.

Lounginging on my chair at home I recollect the last 8 days of my life and smile.

Please understand that this is my story and that there are another 150,000 or so other stories which have come out of this twisted tinsel town.

GLASTONBURY

THE BEST FESTIVAL IN THE WORLD

Nick Nickolas

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