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Old 06-16-06, 12:54 PM   #401
Will
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Man walks into a bar and fishes out a pack of cigarettes. He realises he hasnt got a lighter but fortunately the bloke next to him offers his Bic Lighter. The man can't help notice that the lighter is extraordinarily large.
"Wow, where'd you get that lighter from" he asks.
"Well, i'll let you into a secret" says the other " I'm in possesion of a magic Geeny in this bottle here! and thats where i got this big lighter"
Astounded, the man asks if he may have a wish and the other man agrees.
" I wish for a million bucks" says the man
After a while the door opens and a duck walks in, followed by another and then a continuous deluge of ducks.
"What the hell is this?" asks the enraged man
the other merely replied
"Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
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Old 09-19-06, 08:50 AM   #402
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I was sitting at home a week or two ago, lounging on the veranda at the ranch, enjoying a lemonade, when Ulla Taylor and her current squeeze, Nick something or another, came around.

Bev was busy mowing the expansive lawns and this seemed to outrage Ulla. You know, "Why is Bev slaving away while you're lounging here?", "She's killing herself while you relax!" etc. etc.

I told Ulla that Bev loved her gardening and, basically, fuck off and mind her own business.

A couple of days later I realised that Ulla was right and that I had to do something about the situation.

I bought Bev a ride-on mower
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Old 09-19-06, 10:34 AM   #403
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What’s brown, lives three feet under the ground, and eats rocks?

A brown rock eater!

Okay, that was stupid. I'll redeem myself.

Say all these super genius scientists get together and make a massive drill. They drill a hole all the way through the center of the earth and out the other side. Perfectly cylindrical hole straight through. If you dropped a rock down it how far would it fall? Yes, you are right, it would end up in the center of the earth because of gravity but in actuality it would fall three feet and then the brown rock eater would get it.

(It's funny how many people say it'll fall all the way through and end up in space.)
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Old 10-24-06, 01:46 PM   #404
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How do you get a juggler to bitch?

Give him a gig.
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Old 10-30-06, 07:46 AM   #405
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Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea
where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Old 10-30-06, 03:56 PM   #406
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Back in 96 a young couple met and fell in love. They married a year later and she became pregers shortly after. The doc said she had triplets! The couple was soooo excited. A week before giving birth the woman was shot three times in the stomache by a mugger. Meraculously the babies and the mother survived. Two girls and cute little baby boy. A week after the kids turned ten one of the girls came to her mom crying. She had peed out the bullet! The mother comforted her and told the dark story. A week later the same thing happened to the other girl. A couple years passed the kids were 12 now and the little boy came to his mom crying. She'd been through this twice now and knew what was going on "It's okay Billy. You peed out a piece of metal didn't you? It'll be alright." Billy said to his mother "No, I shot scruffy! :* (..."
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Old 11-11-06, 01:37 PM   #407
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Embarrassed Oh to be single again ...

Martin, Young Raoul and Butterfly Man are reminiscing in a bar.

Young One says, “I wear the pants in MY family … I make Miriam write books all day to pay for my liquor bills.

Martin says, “That’s nothing, I make Celia teach school all day to pay for my blogosphere.”

Butterfly Man remains uncharacteristically quiet.

After a while Young One turns to Robert and says, "Well, what about Kumi? What sort of control do you have over her?"

Butterfly Man proudly says, "I'll tell you -- just the other night Kumi came to me on her hands and knees."

Martin & Young One are amazed, "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

Butterfly Man takes a swallow of his beer, sighs and says, "She told me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
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Old 11-11-06, 11:41 PM   #408
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Robert and Kumi were in bed and Kumi was feeling a little frisky. She snuggled up to Robert, who was reading Gazzo's best-selling joke book.
He reached down and gave her pussy a little tickle but continued to read, enthralled by the beauty of the author's prose. Kumi snuggled closer and Robert gave her another tickle. He gave her a tickle every few minutes but kept reading and after nearly an hour of this, Kumi erupted.
"If you don't want to screw, stop teasing me, you bastard"

"Oh sorry dear." said a startled Mothhead, " I was just turning the pages".














"You really should read this book Kumi, it's brilliant"





Thud!
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Old 05-10-07, 04:09 PM   #409
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Butterfly Butterfly Man’s 5 Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by peeing in the sink.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives … believe me, you won't cough anymore.

3. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

4. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.

5. If you suffer from high blood pressure simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. If you're as stupid as Gazzo, please use a timer.
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Old 08-15-07, 04:04 PM   #410
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Embarrassed I hope he never reads this ...

“Doc” a bad-ass, ugly black motherfucker was riding on his Harley across the Bay Bridge when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Even though you are one ugly motherfucker you have tried to be nice to white people so I will grant you one wish."

“Doc” pulled over and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. I would have to make giant pillars of rock come up out of the ocean floor. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something else that wouldn’t hurt the environment so much.

“Doc” thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'OK God, I wish that I could understand my wife, Shirley; I want to know how she feels, what she's thinking and what in God’s name can I do to make her shut-the fuck-up?

God replied, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
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Old 09-18-07, 07:27 PM   #411
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Default TLAP Day

Aarrrgh, me hearties, since tis international "Talk Like A Pirate" day, Aah make this here offerin'.

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge ship's wheel attached to the front o' his trousers. The barman asks, "What the hell's that bloody great wheel for?"

"Aarrrgh, fer shure, Aah don't really know" the old salt says, "but it's drivin' me nuts".
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Old 09-18-07, 07:40 PM   #412
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i ... can't... belieeeeeeve i laughed out loud at that.

...but partially because i was doing the voice.
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Old 03-27-08, 02:05 PM   #413
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Hat Big Head! Big Head!

Gazzo's son Chaney comes home from school complaining that all the kids are picking on him for having a big head (like his father) calling him "Big Head", "Big Head".

Gazzo takes him aside, and says,"Look boy, you don't have a big head. Don't let those children bother you. Now go down to the deli and get me a case of beer."

Chaney says: But dad, how am I going to carry it home?"

Gazzo says: "Just put it in your hat!"
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Old 05-28-09, 09:38 PM   #414
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Default told to me by a bartender in Juneau

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.
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Old 07-16-09, 12:18 AM   #415
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Butterfly Still alive and still an asshole

Yesterday, I was at PetsMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my wonderful dogs, Kabi & Sabi. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her,
'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

PetsMart won't let me shop there anymore.
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Old 02-08-11, 03:42 PM   #416
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Embarrassed Yes, dear

Butterfly man wakes up in the hospital after six hours of surgery.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. The surgery went well but your penis was severed by accident during your catheterization and needs to be replaced.

Butterfly Man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

Butterfly Man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you really should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might get disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

Butterfly Man agrees to talk it over with Kumi.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says Butterfly Man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says Butterfly Man.

"So what is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops," says Butterfly Man.
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