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Old 10-23-03, 08:00 PM   #41
theincrediblelarry
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just eat them, the young ones are tasty

here it is!

[ 10-23-2003: Message edited by: theincrediblelarry ]</p>
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Old 10-29-03, 02:42 PM   #42
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I thought the topic of this thread was "Lines for heckling kids" not "Abstract Heckler Theory" or "Morals for all Entertainers."
So, on topic, here's a few.

You think I won't kick a toddler's ass?

Now I know why gerbils eat their babies (an original Dr. Eric rewording)

Hey kid, don't SNORT the ritalin.

Do you know how much I can get for a healthy white baby on the black market?

Now there's a load that should've been swallowed.

Hey kid, I left you a cookie in the street.

Be good or I'll sell you to Kmart... They'll laquer you and make you into a mannequin.

Were your parent's too broke to afford a coat hanger and a shop-vac?

Even God doesn't like you.

You remind me of my senile Grandmother, but taller.

Shouldn't you have been a stain?

I was alot like you as a child... but I wasn't allowed in public... I was locked in the basement and fed with a sling-shot.

Shouldn't you be watching T.V.? Daddy's gonna be on Cops.

Why isn't that thing on a leash?

You're only here because rent's due at the K.O.A.

If only you'd been home when the meth lab exploded.

Parents, don't use drugs.

I could've been your Daddy, but the monkey cut in line.

I could've been your Daddy, but Mommy was already full.

I could've been your Daddy, but I picked the wrong end.

I could've been your Daddy, but the smell turned me off.

I could've been your Daddy, but your uncle beat me to it.

Have fun with those.

[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Doctor Eric ]</p>
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Old 10-29-03, 06:16 PM   #43
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New Zealand

While we're headed in that direction...

I could have been your father but ...
- my dick didn't fit through the bars/chickenwire
- i didn't understand the haggling process...
- she drank from the wrong test tube.
- i fell asleep in the que
- i wasn't going to argue with a clydesdale
- if there's one thing i've learned, it's to always let the pimp go first.

I know people who've clocked up enough milage on your mother that they could use the air miles to pay for her overweight charges.

Some guy told me to find a horse that's a sure thing and put all my money on it... but the coins kept ROLLING OFF YOUR MOTHER...
(although there were plenty of places to put my credit card)

-Kim

[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Kim ]</p>
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Old 10-29-03, 08:58 PM   #44
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[quote]Originally posted by Doctor Eric:
<strong>I thought the topic of this thread was "Lines for heckling kids" not "Abstract Heckler Theory" or "Morals for all Entertainers."
[ 10-29-2003: Message edited by: Doctor Eric ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

Right on!

Congrats... this is the first post in a long time here thats made me laugh out loud. here are my favorites...

Hey kid, don't SNORT the ritalin.

Hey kid, I left you a cookie in the street.

Shouldn't you be watching T.V.? Daddy's gonna be on Cops.

Why isn't that thing on a leash?

You're only here because rent's due at the K.O.A.

If only you'd been home when the meth lab exploded.

I could've been your Daddy, but the monkey cut in line.


....... and the winner is...

You remind me of my senile Grandmother, but taller.


Excellent response to the thread. Bravo!
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Old 10-29-03, 09:40 PM   #45
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hey Eric, right on!!!!!
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Old 11-12-03, 03:19 AM   #46
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Guitar

You would be perfect for my mulcher

Why don't you go play Dance Dance Revolution?

Do you pay those kids to hang out with you, or are they really stupid?

Go to Deja Vu and you'll see what grown men see every night. Your mom.

Go get a straw and some foil and I'll show you how babys like you are born.
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Old 02-14-04, 02:22 PM   #47
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Thumbs down Hey Eric

Hey Eric

Dream On!
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Old 02-14-04, 07:33 PM   #48
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Default insecurities

based upon the insecurities of teenage boys.


shut up big nose
shut up spotty.
hey fat boy. shut up.


tends to silence them
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Old 05-29-04, 11:45 AM   #49
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Since we work next to a playground, and i had an extremely obnoxious 11-13 year old heckler, i recently used:


"hey kid, if i hear one more word out of you, I'll tell everyone here i wittnessed you eating a booger on the playground!"

Audience loved it (they were just as agitiated as I) and the kid shut up!
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Old 06-26-06, 08:28 PM   #50
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"there's a reason your parents don't give you rules. They want you to die."
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Old 06-27-06, 09:11 PM   #51
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Quote:
"there's a reason your parents don't give you rules. They want you to die."
brilliant.
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Old 06-27-06, 11:09 PM   #52
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I'd hate to see stupid

I'm sure parents won't appreciate these...but you'd have to be a parent to understand

Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot
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Old 07-31-06, 12:46 PM   #53
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To an over enthusiastic kid who keeps talking over you lines -- "Do you want to help me? Be quiet! that will be helpful."

For a magician when confronted with " I know how you do that." -- "Well don't tell any one now when you can sell it to them later."

and scot, did you mean "(non attacking) "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make IT a living."

K!
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Old 07-31-06, 02:51 PM   #54
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Ok, this is gonna make me look stupid, but what is a booger? Looked it up, but my dictionary doesn's show slang?

(And forgive me, I read in the paper today that dutchmen are a lot worse in foreign languages as they always asume)
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Old 08-01-06, 01:35 AM   #55
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a dried up piece of mucous that takes up residence in your nasal passage.

Lately I've been taking out time in my show to kneel down and explain the way of the world to a small child.

"Hey kid, shut up.

"God, that's not going to work, at this point you probably think that's your name.

"Look, I'm pretty sure I can take you.

"I'm serious. Don't screw with me, I live under your bed.

"You have to understand, I've been doing these shows for years, and one thing I know for sure, is that if I drench you in gasoline, and light you on fire, all of these people will clap."
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Old 08-01-06, 07:03 AM   #56
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I like the last line...
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Old 08-02-06, 01:47 AM   #57
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I meant "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make a living." as if they will learn that making a living is tough.

"You should watch more TV. Right now."

"I hope you catch SIDS"

"Go play cops and suicide bombers."

"You're here early. tomorrow's trash day"

"I know your parents aren't going to pay me."

"When passover comes, make sure your door's clean."

"This feels like the begining of a TV reenactment"

"shouldn't you be bleeding?"

"parents, buying the right toys can prevent this kind of birth."
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Old 09-13-06, 12:20 PM   #58
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Default be careful

I would urge people to be extremely careful using agression to entertain people, its not big and its not clever

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Old 09-13-06, 12:29 PM   #59
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I agree. I don't see how that could be funny in any case if the kid was only 6. I rarely ever attack the kid himself but make cracks about bad parenting or peuberty although humiliation is very usefull in extreme cases but it's always playful never forceful or spiteful. Whatever you do I think it's a bad idea to get frusterated infront of the audience.
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Old 09-13-06, 02:28 PM   #60
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Default re.family environment

I just read the other pages on this thread and want to just say respect to the USA Breakdancers, for their take on the subject.
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