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Old 05-13-04, 06:37 PM   #81
Dan Holzman
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Stop What?

Robert,
I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
Ok maybe I'm dumb, but what do you mean by...


Lurk was in Spain

and

So i administered pain
that Martin could dispatch in one posting

Plus I tried to read that piece of dreck out loud isn't there supposed to be some sort of rhythem to poetry.

I guess I'm new to all this highfalutin rhyming stuff, but I think your stuff sucks.

Hey, maybe it's just me. If everyone else thinks it's good, I guess I just don't know any better.

I could take your poems around and show them to people who know about poetry, but I don't want to embarass you. I'm sure you think they are good, or why else would you write them.

I'm really starting to worry about you. Up till now This has all been in fun, but I think you might have some sort of serious physiological illness.

Please for god's sake get some help before it's to late.


I've been joking around with Robert because I consider him my friend, and he probably hasn't had this much fun posting for a long time.

But now the joke has gone on long enough, stop laughing at this man behind his back, it's not fair. He's a grown up and deserves to know the truth.

In all honesty, I never went to college, and I'm sure my spelling and punctuation isn't so hot. I type with two fingers, and have to wear glasses to read the words in the dictionary. The one thing I have been able to do, is be pretty successful in the world of comedy and variety. So, I think I know what I'm talking about.

Now it's time to pull back the curtain and reveal the Butterfly man as he really is. A scared little boy crying out for acceptance in a cold cruel world that has turned it's back on him years ago.

All I can say to the readers of this forum who want to continue
with this farce is "shame on you"

You've had your fun. Now stop poking this wounded old bear with sticks and let the Butterfly Man get on with his life with a least a shred of dignity left.

Please in the name of all that is holy tell this man the truth.

Perhaps Robert's only real friend,
Dan
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Old 05-13-04, 07:08 PM   #82
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Embarrassed Oh the Humanity!!!

Heyyyy Now!

I've always considered myself a 'real' friend of Mr. Nelson - heckfire if you check the Denver posts we stole T-shirts together! Pity he got caught - I went back two times after that. Dan I think we shared a pitch in Halifax one year and let me just say, your "I'm a Happy bunny" response was one of the funniest things I've read on these boards in some time. But enough back-slapping and talking about when we called turkeys "walking birds" one of you fellas is going to put your hip out for good if this keeps up much longer. I would like to recommend that Mr. Silly turn on the giant "Wood Beacon" and summon Mr. Mike Wood to offer up his considered opinion on your respective comedic offerings. Mike Wood writes great jokes! So what if he's a little .....sketchy and....transluscent....and that whole thing with the older gals - he's a helluva joke writer!

yr
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Old 05-13-04, 08:38 PM   #83
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Default Re: I apologize

Quote:
Originally posted by Dan Holzman

1) Stephon, I meant to call you a Buster Keaton wannabe not a Harold Lloyd wannabe. Sorry about that.
Dan
Apology accepted. Oh, and if I was supposed to be insulted, you failed; any performer, comedian, filmaker, or director with an ounce of sense and aspiration would want to be Buster Keaton. Be that as it may, I do not perform looking like that, it was part of a promo card for a talent booker.

(Ok, I just re-read that and it sounds way too serious. Here-- -- maybe that put's it in a better context)

Quote:
alert M.E.N.S.A, three of their members have gone a.w.o.l.
I didn't go A.W.O.L., I let my membership lapse.
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Old 05-13-04, 11:45 PM   #84
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Default Re: Re: I apologize

Stephon,

Quote:
[ any performer, comedian, filmaker, or director with an ounce of sense and aspiration would want to be Buster Keaton.
Well, which "era" of Buster Keaton do you want to be:

-Abused child by brutal alcoholic father
-second banana to Fatty Arbuckle
-up and coming Two-Reel Comedian
-Genius film maker
-Fired by studio, divorced by wife (who took EVERYTHING) and alcoholic
-Struggling to regain his dignity and marries his nurse
-dies fairly broke and forgotten by everyone but aspiring clowns


Personally I like the marries his nurse era.



étienne


p.s. I think your more Harry Langdon.

p.p.s. Dan & Robert... you're both pretty! I'm a MASSIVE fan of both your work.
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Old 05-14-04, 12:11 AM   #85
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Mime Brain washing

Dear forum readers,


The Manson like control the Butterfly man exerts over this online family is fightening. I can't believe you all willingly drink his bitter comedy Koolaid and tell him it tastes funny.

I think you are all victims of the Stockholm syndrome, and are starting to identify with the man who has taken your collective funny bones hostage. I worry for the safety of your creative souls, and urge you to escape from his mirthless mind control before it is too late.

I can see only one solution to this dilemma. We need to go outside the incestuous inbreeding of this little group, and get an impartial outside opinion.

I will copy a list of the three joke topics, along with two jokes from me and two jokes from Robert. I will take it to my local juggling group, and without telling anyone who wrote them , I will ask them to rank the jokes from best to worst.

My group meets every Sunday, and we usually get about twenty Jugglers including several top professionals. I will do everything as fairly as possible, and report the results back on Monday.

If Robert wins , then I will publicly admit defeat, and give to him the bragging rights he so desperatly needs.

If I win, I will humbly accept any accolades and apologies that come my way. I will forgive those who have stood up against me, and will walk with them side by side into a new world full of bright promise and laughter.

Your humble servant,
Dan
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Old 05-14-04, 04:23 AM   #86
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Jester

Dan.

You write the jokes down and then get a real rookie to read them out not knowing who's is who's. That way the delivery is impartial.

I think this has gone on long enough.


Le Pire and I got reprimands for far less.

You are both very naughty boys and (in a pathetic attempt to be the next Kissinger)
"You are both as bad as each other.
Don't do it, He's not worth it.
I think we have a character clash here
Stop it, you are making the children cry
Now why don't you just shake hands and become the best of friends."

This thread is for fightin. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ahhhhaaahhhaahahahahahahahahah!
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Old 05-14-04, 05:10 AM   #87
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Bunny Happy bunny buggery

Young One, please excuse this pitiful scrap
But my colostomy bag’s full of crap
It’s been needled ejective
So it’s spewing invective
Bitch slapping his handicapped yap

“A joke writing contest” … just imagine!!
“If my group says so Monday, then I win.”
What a bi-Polaroid
He’s so lame, null and void
He’d add up to nil with a twin

He insults all my friends and then does so
With peccadillo and bimbo bravado
Why are we taking shit?
From a dimwit nitwit
Who was born unfertilized and in vitro

So thank you, Jester and Stephon and Nicky
For your votes though my keyboard gets sticky
When I think you’ll be there
When his ass hits the air
And his lips give my dicky a hickey
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Old 05-14-04, 09:16 AM   #88
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Butterfly my vagina is killing me

Butterfly,
The fear is starting to come off you in palpable waves. This last poem is your worst one yet. It couldn't stink anymore if it was written in your own feces. Are you really that scared?

I remember you once confided to me about having to wear a colostomy bag, and I was very sympathetic. Now you are using this unfortunate medical condition to try and make this forum feel sorry for you, wow, you have sunk to a new low.

Judging by what you have written your bag is now so full that it's spewing invective. Ugh, that sounds really nasty. The image of you with a full colostomy bag that's spewing invective is one I wished you had not chosen to share with the rest of us.

The ending of your poem is also particuarly disturbing. It sounds to me as if the idea of me giving your dicky a hicky while jester,Stephon, and nicky watch has made you so excited that you had an accident on your keyboard. Am I reading this correctly?Yuck,That is one sick fantasy.

I am sorry that the idea of having your jokes fairly judged has disturbed you so much. There is still time to write a few more. If you can get them in by Saturday night I will gladly include them with the rest.

signing off with peccadillo and bimbo bravado,
Dan
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Old 05-14-04, 02:34 PM   #89
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Butterfly -and I'm going through menopause

Sorry for reposting so soon but I couldn't finish my Butterfly man
icon's dialogue in one line.
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Old 05-15-04, 11:46 AM   #90
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Lurk the indians are circling the wagon

Dan
You come poncing into these forums somewhat delusional, and unfortunately seem to remain so.
Your initial premise of ´Robert is King, I am the new pretender!Amicable at first, has, like most mock battles, descended into rancid name calling in large part because very early on you failed to grasp the fact that Robert didn´t want to play.
You claim to be his friend and to know him, as if that somehow gives you the right to unrelentingly impose a little popularity contest in which you, in your own mind will surely win, (even if you have to use your juggling buddies as voters) ´some of whom are professionals´

Your victory (pitiful really this vainglorious hunger of yours) would leave Robert, who was quietly minding his own business till you figured your life was pointless without a new scalp, the loser.

Given your success and given your obvious boredom and given your lack of formal advanced education. I´d suggest enrolling in a psychology class or two to better see where you fucked up.

Your very condescending considering you´re a self confessed drop-out, you mention ´Stockholm syndrome´ and then feel it necessary to explain to us what it means.
Thanks ever so. Gosh he juggles AND he reads. Quite the renaissance corporate juggling whore aren´t we?
Is your performance character a blowhard? or do you just naturally work it into the show? Or is it strictly an after-hours thing?
Apparently you, like Robert, are famous in your own small sphere.
Good for you.
Might I suggest that next time your in your limo, on your way towards sucking the marrow out of the corporate beast, pondering how best to use your comparative success to gloat embarrass and ridicule, you consider perhaps alternatives to exploiting people for your own insatiable ego´s sake, and while your in this reflective frame of mind, stop and consider how someone who hasn´t been exposed to your ´Legend´(or is that legend´) might, from what they see here, consider you mildly amusing at best and at worst a cruel, self absorbed, attention seeking bulldozer.
(NOW! WITH NEW! TRANSPARENT! COMIC! SHEEN!)

Its always been my contention that in the world of variety entertainment, polished mediocrity excels. From what little I´ve heard and what little I´ve read you hardly constitute a threat to that position.
...and no, I´m not interested in a joke writing competition.
But Hey, welcome to p.net. Its lovely to have you
Anything constructive to offer? Masturbation hints?


Your biggest fan
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Old 05-15-04, 12:52 PM   #91
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Thumbs Up Thank you

Dear Martin,
Thank you for your post. You are right . I started this whole thing as a goof, and now it has gotten out of control. I really don't care who wins or loses, or if Robert is a better joke writer then me. I was just trying to have a little fun, but I guess I blew it.

I apologize.

I wish Robert only the best in his life and career, and honestly thought he was having fun tangling with me.

I have seen Robert perform many times, and consider him to be funny and talented. I think he is an especially good emcee and storyteller.

I know this may seem hard to believe, but I really don't consider myself in competition with other performers. I know I'm on a very low rung on the showbiz ladder myself, and compared to a lot of other artists ,what I have done is no big deal.

I will gladly let this whole business drop, and if Robert will give me his blessing continue to post here.

I thought about continuing this charade, and lashing back at you in this post, but I guess I lack the conviction and energy neccessary to keep this going any longer.

Sincerely,

Dan Holzman
P.s. as far as any masturbation tips go, if you see smoke coming from your penis, your going too fast.
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Old 05-15-04, 08:19 PM   #92
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Butterfly Thank GodBuddhaKrishnaWhatevertheFuckYouWant You're Back

Quote:
Originally posted by Dan Holzman
Robert,
I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
Ok maybe I'm dumb, but what do you mean by...

Lurk was in Spain
So I administered pain
That Martin could dispatch in one posting

Dan
Please Martin ... don't ever leave us again.
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Old 05-15-04, 08:37 PM   #93
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Default All that's left is blood & bile ...

I'm gonna ask Jim if it's OK? to move all my limericks to the proper threads ... and perhaps the jokes to the jokes also ... the rest of it can stay here I guess (although it could be viewed by some as somewhat distasteful) ... I mean do you really want to witness this kind of carnage after a Lucky / Bike Boy fight ... I rather have a bleeding skull ... oh wait ... that's already been done.

Last edited by Butterfly Man; 05-15-04 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 05-15-04, 10:26 PM   #94
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Love Re: the indians are circling the wagon

Quote:
Originally posted by martin ewen
Dan
You come poncing into these forums somewhat delusional, and unfortunately seem to remain so.
[etc.]
It's like a cool, cleansing rain on a humid summer's day.

It's like that first warm rush after you've depressed the plunger.

It's like basking in the afterglow.

Ahhh. . .
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Old 05-16-04, 04:20 PM   #95
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Jester

Eloquent as ever Martin. Harsh, and perhaps not entirely fair, but beautiful none the less.

I'm basking with Stephon. AAAAhhhhhh.
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Old 05-16-04, 05:39 PM   #96
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Ass Thank god Martin's here

Dear Forum readers,

I don't know who that spineless wimp was who made that last post under my name, but let me tell you, if I catch him I'm going to wring his neck. How dare he apologize for something I'm not sorry for.

Oh! That mean Dan holzman how dare he pick on poor defenseless Butterfly man. Dan should have known by reading all the snide comments and insulting poetry Butterfly wrote, that he had no interest in mixing it up with him.

Sure I called him a old, talentless, seal loving hippie burnout failure who has a vagina. So what? Is that so bad?

He said I was an ugly dimwitted nitwit who's mother was raped by retarded epileptic canines, but you don't hear me crying about it.

And now hear comes Mr. All-mighty himself Martin Ewen into the fray. Thank goodness! we're saved!He will wave his magic wand of sense and sensibility and make everything allright again. Sure he will. Let's just analyze the brilliance of his last post shall we?


First with only my nasty insult laden posts to judge by, he has the nerve to call me a vainglorious, condescending. corporate whore blowhard with an insatiable ego. How dare he? Doesn' he know about all the good work I do with disadvantaged kids?

Then he tries to curry favor with me by claiming to be my biggest fan, yeah like that's all it's going to take after saying all those mean things about me.I don't think so chum.

And let me tell you something Mr Ewen I'll suck as much marrow as I like from the corporate beast, and when I'm full, I'll go purge and come back with my polished mediocrity to suck some more. What do you say to that?


And Stephon as far as his post being a cool, cleansing rain on a humid summer day, C'mon be honest didn't you really mean to write that it was more like a loud smelly fart in a closed elevator.

I'm sure all of you(especially whoever wrote that last post under my name)would like me to slink away like a beaten animal after that brutal tongue lashing by Martin Ewen, but let me tell you it's not going to happen.I've been lashed by much sharper tongues then his... and lookee here I'm still standing.

So Martin, I'm going to ponce around these forums as delusionaly as I feel appropriate. And there is nothing you can do to stop me.
What's next? Are you going to go crying to jim?" Oh please Jim, that Dan Holzman doesn't play nice, make him quit ". For god's sake what are we all children here?

I've tried to maintain a high level of maturity with my posts, and these are the thanks I get. Well, I say thank you not to all you high horse riders. Unless your willing to get down here in the mud why don't you stay tied up safe and dry in the stable where you belong?

Sincerley,
Dan( the vainglorious, Renaissance corporate whore) Holzman

P.s. Martin, I never said I was a dropout, only that I never went to college

Plus I wasn't trying to be condescending when I explained the Stokholm Syndrome remark I just liked how" He has taken your collective funny bones hostage'' sounded. I thought it was funny
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Old 05-16-04, 09:47 PM   #97
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Default Re: Thank god Martin's here

Quote:
Originally posted by Dan Holzman
Dear Forum readers,
last post shall we?
And let me tell you something Mr Ewen I'll suck as much marrow as I like from the corporate beast,
[quote]Originally posted by martin ewen
[b]Dan


Might I suggest that next time your in your limo, on your way towards sucking the marrow out of the corporate beast, \




BREAST, you morons!
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Old 05-17-04, 01:42 AM   #98
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Default What's happened here?

I am in a state of shock.

My boy went to sleep early and my wife is out of town so I thought it was the ideal chance to make my annual visit to Performers.net and catch up on what really matters.

What brand of insanity has been bred, fed, and encouraged here?

I want to assure the readers of this thread that this is NOT the same Dan Holzman with which I have spent the last 23 years of my life. My gut feeling is that someone signed up under his name (this poster says April 2004 as a joining date and Dan's been on P.net for years) and is playing a joke on the community. The other option is that this entire thing has been scripted out by (the real) Dan Holzman and Robert Nelson as a gag to be played out post by post. I spend enough time with him that this would have come up! Heck, for the last month I have either seen him or spent hours on the phone with him developing our new website and not a word about this! He can't keep a secret so I'm putting my money on option #1 - a Dan wannabe screwing around.

Why I'm So Sure

The Dan Holzman that I've worked with since 1982 is a kind and gentle soul who goes out of his way to contact jugglers during our tours. While I lay in the pool and/or get a massage, he is in a ballroom with local jugglers who kiss the ground upon which he walks. Humble, he has twice won the IJA's Bobby May Award for outstanding educational service to upcoming jugglers. He would never lower himself to a LOOK-AT-ME contest with the likes of Mr. Nelson.

I just tried calling him and got his machine. Damn how I wish he wasn't the only person in the world without a cell phone. I have a conference call with him tomorrow and this will be the first thing I bring up! I know it will catch him off guard.

The thing that will really piss him off is that the imposture isn't even approaching the level of humor that I personally witness day in and day out. This has been a back alley slap fight draped in juvenile word play, corny puns, and poorly constructed storytelling. OK, the lines about Robert's poems not being any more stinky if they were written in his own feces and the visual imagery of Robert in a jester suit with a flap in the back to go poo poo were notably clever and Dan-like, but anyone can get lucky.

I know Dan's work. I have bought several houses, cars, and even a small airplane from the proceeds of his corporate teat suckling and I assure you that these posts were not his doing.

I ask that the poster "Dan Holzman" step forward, take off your mask, and show us who you really are.

You sicken me.

Barry Friedman
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Old 05-17-04, 05:20 AM   #99
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Default

I know Martin is writing a response as I type.
I can't wait.
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Old 05-17-04, 05:38 AM   #100
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Lurk There by the grace of God

Dan... Or should I say ´Sybil´

My heart, usually adequately fortified, has been breached by compassion I now experience in the face of the overwhelming evidence of your dissociative personality disorder.
Research shows that this condition is almost exclusively triggered by traumatic childhood abuse.
I can´t help it... my mind wanders against my best intentions.

Were you rented to groups of smelly men who lived under bridges for commercial sexual practices?

Were you locked in a wardrobe under the stairs with just a mildewy mattress in the perpetual daylight of the grow-lamps that fed your parents cash-crop until such time as child welfare could be sufficiently convinced that you had in fact died when you were 4 in a wood chipping accident?

Did you have an older brother who dressed you up in a latex suit especially made for a 6 year old, then coated you with pigs fat and subjected you to unspeakable and enormously painful things with decapitated action figure torsos?

Have you come from a large family where you were the only family member not suffering from advanced Tourettes?

I´m sure the reality was far worse.

Theres no cure I´m told, but arrested development, which I´m afraid sadly is your best option, has often involved exercises or activities that use both sides of the brain, you could investigate that and maybe find something to do in your spare time.
If the voices your various personalities use are dramatically different you could use it to advantage in the highly compeditive world of radio and TV voiceovers.

I think the most important thing Dan/s is not to lose hope.
As you say, you´re still standing. (sometimes for days on end in the same corner of your room, -whether you remember it or not-)

Such tragedy makes me feel strangely maternal, I want to uncharacteristically murmur words of comfort...Dan
Don´t despair
Theres a lot of people like you, (and most of them ARE you!)


Signed
really huge fan of Dans 1/3/7
but not too big a fan of Dans 2/4/5/6
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