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Old 01-17-10, 01:44 PM   #1
jeep caillouet
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Default Heckler's

What's your best heckler come back story?
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Old 01-21-10, 04:03 PM   #2
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Some crazy homeless lady wandered in show and demanded I give her $2.
"That's not how it works" I said.
She started in on some kind of Jesus nonsense as a local beat cop came in to move her along. Then she went from the Jesus rhetoric to "this is racist" (she was black), rhetoric; "cracker this, cracker that". The cop was chasing her in circles inside my show.
Someone came out of the audience and gave her $2. She immediately shut up and left.
I started back into my show, but she had a few young black men in the audience a little wound up on the racism stuff, so they started yelling dumb stuff like "this is whack", and "fuck this cracker".
I stopped the show, looked at the audience and said something to the affect of: "I don't have to be here, I'm perfectly happy to go home and play video games. So if you want to accuse me of racism because I wouldn't give some batty lady $2 that she didn't deserve, I'll just go home. This show only works if you guys want it to. So, should I keep going?". I looked at the audience and saw heads nodding yes.
Then one of the guys yelled something else, so I started putting my props away. People were not happy that these punks had ruined the show, so one little old black lady stood up, walked over to the boys and threatened to hit them with her walking stick. They left and I had a good show.
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Old 01-22-10, 02:25 PM   #3
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That's a good one Evan. I use a line in my show''cooler than dipping snuff than being in south Houston,Texas''. This Big ole cowboy pushed his way to the front of my show and preseeded to fill me in that people in South Houston Texas chew tobacco,not dip snuff.And he meant business. I really didn't know what to say,so now I say ''cooler than chewing tobacco'' and there's been no more problems!
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Old 01-25-10, 07:15 AM   #4
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Default One good one...

I had 3 Spanish teenagers being very disruptive during a performance a few years ago. Was getting the best of me, then I pulled a balloon out of my case and said "I love a good heckler and so do most audiences, right crowd??" RIGHT!! I said, "However I have only one requirement before I battle whits with you guys and that is that you must be able to blow up this balloon."

The cocky kid grabs the balloon and huffs and puffs but can't blow the thing up. I said "Don't worry dude, no hurry, you can even have your buddies help you!"

I now continue my show while the three of them are now focused away from being disruptive to proving me wrong.

Right after my hat line, just before the finale, the kid jumps in the middle of my circle (inflated balloon in hand) and says "HA!!"

With out skippin' a beat I said "Great job dude, now we know you can blow that date up later... Now get off my stage!!

Guys left, crowd roared, and I had a great hat!!!
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Old 01-25-10, 07:17 AM   #5
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Default A bad one...

Take drunk guys lighter, drunk guy pulls a knife, NO COMEBACK FOR THAT ONE!!!!!
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Old 01-25-10, 12:08 PM   #6
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what? you don't don't have a 38 special in your show kit ?
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Old 01-25-10, 12:36 PM   #7
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Gav, you need that in Key west for the other performer's! Not for the heckler, there usually a little more easy!
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Old 01-26-10, 06:25 AM   #8
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Default .38 special

Yes, I have .38 Special in my prop case. Unfortunately they are only on my Ipod.
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Old 04-01-10, 09:46 AM   #9
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Worst heckle I've ever had was "That's all I get for a dollar?"
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Old 04-01-10, 03:31 PM   #10
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I hardly do any thing for my $ these days...umm just like you.
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Old 04-02-10, 12:45 AM   #11
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Hey! I move and make noise when they give me a buck! I even hand out candy! What more do you want? It's 2010 not 1950!
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Old 04-03-10, 03:11 AM   #12
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Default Pier 39 in 1978

I've got one... but i gotta go pee right now. Really!
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Old 04-03-10, 05:16 AM   #13
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Butterfly Never marry an aphasian girl they make bad chives

now i peed but forgot the story... this getting old shit is getting old
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Old 04-03-10, 07:11 PM   #14
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Drunk lady won't stop talking. Usually if I can get a disrupter to try to learn the "trick" of playing the glass harmonica they shut up. This one didn't. Finally she asked "should I use one finger or two?"

"Madam," I said, "do you mean on the glasses or on yourself?"

Her son-in-law cracked up and left me a twenty.
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Old 04-05-10, 04:25 PM   #15
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That's a good one Peter! You still in nola?
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Old 04-12-10, 09:14 PM   #16
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Clown Still here!

Yeah, Jeep, I'm still in N.O. and (at least during this gorgeous spring we're having) happy as a clam in unpolluted water.

I keep telling myself I should visit you folks, but the several infirmities that are slowing me down also have kept me from traveling very far from home. Next year I've got to remind myself that the time between Christmas and New Years is fallow here and I really ought to escape the cold humid days that were typical right thru this last winter. I managed to get out maybe ten times between Xmas and the end of February.

Best regards to all down there and say FU to Schmegley if you see him. I love you all!
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Old 04-13-10, 06:34 PM   #17
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Come on down , we'll have some fun I'll tell schmegly... Oh wait till you see my new act!...
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Old 06-22-10, 11:12 PM   #18
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Those knives don't look that sharp mate!! Oh yea.... neither do you...
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Old 06-23-10, 05:01 AM   #19
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I was performing in Germany in German and an American tourist yells "Do it in English, I don't understand!"

I cameback, "If history was different you would!"

The reaction for the audience was great. An Wooooh that broke into a laughter that they were trying to hold back.

I love what I can get away with as an Auslander.
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Old 06-28-10, 03:48 AM   #20
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Japan

I'm in Japan...

Guy comes up to me.

“Excuse me, I’m an English teacher over here I just saw your show.
If you ever get a heckler in Japan, I think I might have a line you can use.

Tofu no kadu ni atama o busketi shinei”

I say, “What’s that mean?”

He says, "It means you’re so stupid, if you bumped your head on the corner of a piece of Tofu, you would die” .

Crowds are extremely polite. Not a heckler on the horizon.

Then:

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon, cherry blossom season.

An elderly Japanese gentleman in an expensive suit is very drunk, very early. He starts yelling at me in the middle of the show. I’ve got no idea what he’s saying.

I remember the line.

“Tofu no kadu ni atama o busketi shinei!!!”

At first, just silence.

Then a simultaneous atomic bomb
explosion of laughter and applause.

The front three rows recoil backwards from the powerful verbal blast.

A mushroom cloud puffs out over my head.

The old man surrenders, unconditionally.
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