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Old 01-13-11, 11:07 AM   #1
Daniel Mooncalf
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Default Convincing the wife...

Since becoming confident of my abilities to make a decent living, traveling; my wife has become increasingly resistant to the idea.

She says she has faith in my potential, and has seen me pull in a good wage, locally (during the summer, of course).


Has anyone else been through this?
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Old 01-13-11, 11:43 AM   #2
martin ewen
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So you were or were not a performer when she married you?
You have kids?
You are asking something from her. What's in it for her?
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Old 01-13-11, 06:28 PM   #3
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Yes... But an amateur. We met at a local renfest I was working.

No.

A husband with steady income, well-above grunt-level work.
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Old 01-13-11, 06:56 PM   #4
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You might ask her what she's worried about. And then listen quietly and without interrupting while she tells you, possibly even making notes so that you can thoughtfully respond later, having thought about it.

Some common fears (from men and women) -
You'll cheat on me
You won't be there when i need you
You won't make any money
Something bad will happen to you/me while you're gone
I won't be relevant to your life
I don't want to be alone that much
I'm jealous
I want to be with you most of the time

Worth seeing what she needs. And then figuring out if you can reassure or prove that her concerns will be listened to and addressed, with a plan of action if she doesn't feel like she's been assured or the agreement has been lived up to.

You may still end up choosing, but at least you'll have explored all the options and be able to stand up and say you were a man about it.
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Old 01-15-11, 04:24 PM   #5
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..also, if all else fails.
Try Hypnotism.
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Old 01-15-11, 07:06 PM   #6
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Default Free to perform

If she truly loves you she must set you free.

If you truly love her you will return.

If you do not.....

She can track you down like a dog and kill you!

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Old 01-16-11, 12:45 PM   #7
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This is a really common problem, it sucks being the one who has to stay home.

You have to do all kinds of things to take care of yourself, like: take out the trash, do your own dishes, sleep by yourself, do your own laundry, watch TV by yourself, feed yourself.
You are clearly a selfish asshole for expecting her to do all that stuff by herself.


What is her real concern? Financial concern is legit, it's hard to come out very far ahead when you are a traveling street performer (unless you have contracted gigs). If you are out on a contracted gig making tons of money and she's mad just because you are gone and she had to let her stupid dog out by herself, tell her to get used to it......


*(I might be a little jaded on this subject)
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Old 01-16-11, 09:18 PM   #8
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Also -

- do you have to quit your regular job, or can you start expanding your weekend contract work, and do some fly-in-fly-out? That might be easier than, "Hey, I'm off to Key West for six months see ya!".

- could you do a week on the road and a week home? (see above)

- do you have a regular job that would let you taper off, perhaps adding telecommuting or a part-time schedule?

- do you have a skill to fall back on as temp work in case you have a bad week/month/season? Like substitute teaching, office temping, etc?

Here's the thing - I'm always a fan of "quit your day job." You get better when you're hungry. You get more gigs when you're forced to get more gigs. You do more shows when you have nothing but shows to do. But it takes a huge toll on a personal partnership. My husband chose to be off the road when I stayed on. He was my number one supporter, and he never once - not once! - asked me to quit or take fewer jobs or complained about me being gone 8-10 months a year. But we're not married any more, and that's part of why. He was (and is) a performer, and he "got it." It's harder for a partner who is not a performer to "get it." Why you didn't call after you got bumped off three flights and ended up in a country you can't pronounce. Why you missed her birthday - again. Why you're too tired to talk when you "had fun" all day. People who are faithful on the road sleep alone a lot. People who give up performing for their partner put a lot of obligation on the partner to make up for it. Either one can end up resenting the other.

So - how much do you want to be married? How much do you want to perform? Because if you want married first, then make your act good enough that your corporate clients buy your plane tickets and pay your hotel internet so you can skype your wife before you go to bed and remind her to pick you up at the airport the next day. If you have a great act and you work hard to book it, there's no reason why you shouldn't work five days a month to make all the money you need and still be home to take the trash out and do extra stuff around the house in your free time.

But if you love performing best, if you love the *street*, and your soul will not be happy unless you are saying, "Yeah, I'm gonna go there!" when someone tells you how awesome Dublin/Christchurch/Tokyo is, then start planning for the conversation that leads to a choice. It may be your choice or it may be her choice, but somebody's gonna have to man up and tell somebody else that there's a non-negotiable principle on the table.

People get married because they're in love with a person, they want to have someone there to lean on and rely on and curl up with at night. People go on the road because they're in love with the world, and they need the world to love them back more than anything else. We're all cynics here, the only clear-eyed ones who can see that most people's lives are boring and colorless, and we're here to fill them up with joy. But secretly, we're all terrified that they know something we don't, that the need will never be filled enough, that we're going to die bitter and lonely because we made the wrong choice. On the good days, the joy is enough. On the bad days, the lonely can crush you.

Maybe someone who's not divorced should weigh in on this one
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Old 01-17-11, 04:48 AM   #9
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teach her to juggle...
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Old 01-17-11, 10:42 AM   #10
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Default Listen to Alison (Isabella)

I think Alison's advice is far better than anything I have to say but here's my 2 cents.

I have been Married 14 years and have experienced the same thing I wanted to go on the road and live the performer life and my wife didn't really like it when I was gone.

Here is what it came down to for me. People are the most important thing on earth. The relationships I have with my family and friends are far more important to me than anything else this includes money, things and experiences.

Once I realized this It was really an easy choice. I quit going places just to pass the hat /for the experience. I don't really pursue gigs that will take me away for an extended period of time and I take my family with me when I can.

My favorite thing to do is perform. I love being in front of people. I love doing my show and making people laugh. My favorite people in this world to hang out with are other performers. They are generally more interesting and more fun to be around than the average person. So I love being at events where I'm doing shows and hanging out with other performers. But I Love spending time with my wife and kids more. The best experiences I have with my family aren't planned but happen during everyday life and the more you are gone the more of those you will miss.

I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue your dream of being a performer and seeing the world at the same time. Just keep in mind what you will be giving up if you are never home.

You don't have to be gone all the time to make a living as a performer. You can pursue local gigs they generally don't pay as well but they are easier to get so you can do more of them. You can also set a limit on what gigs you will take out of town.

I really don't think it is a good Idea for you to try to convince your wife that you being gone all the time would be good for her. I think you would be far better off telling her what you want and working something out that works for both of you
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Old 01-17-11, 12:17 PM   #11
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Default Listen to Alison (Isabella)

This is one of the best threads I have read on Pnet in a long time. Honest, practical advice from all.

Kenny
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Old 01-17-11, 12:59 PM   #12
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my wife and I have a deal where the longest I am allowed away for is 1 month on any given tour. Any more and I am taking the piss out of her an our marriage.

She trusts my judgement on what tours I think are rewarding enough to justify the distance. I can likewise take a month on tour on the basis of experience if I think it is necessary or something I really want to do. (Think 1 month performing in mountain villages in Bhutan....this would be an example of something I would call unpassupable)

It comes down to trust, judgement and most of all open communication.
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Old 01-17-11, 05:11 PM   #13
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and hypnotism.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:41 AM   #14
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I agree with Kenny, this thread is a good one and am enjoying reading it, good advice and good words from Alison.
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Old 01-19-11, 08:16 AM   #15
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Get a new wife.

If she's resistant now, just imagine how crazy she'll get when you get a 6 month contract on a cruise ship....
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Old 01-19-11, 06:03 PM   #16
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Imagine how crazy you'd have to be to take a 6 month contract on a cruise ship.

Or how crazy you'd be afterwards. People enter those contracts and never come out for 20 years and when they do emerge they are covered in cheese that can never be removed.
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Old 01-22-11, 01:09 AM   #17
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Default Convincing the wife....

Well, first of all, you have to stop calling her "The wife"!
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Old 02-04-11, 09:22 PM   #18
Daniel Mooncalf
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Thank you very much for all the feedback, especially Isabella! Wow, you should write a book about... smart stuff.


After some discussion, it seems that she's finally supportive of travel, with a trial spring break mini vacation/busking trip to Vegas.
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Old 02-05-11, 08:07 AM   #19
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Good to hear, Daniel!

Just remember tho: it's kinda like being in an "open relationship" in that it will be a LONG journey for her to become truly comfortable with it, if she has a lot of initial insecurities. She's not *entirely* supportive of travel until you do it a lot and she demonstrates that support throughtout.

You both need to continue to communicate, communicate communicate through this process and don't think for a minute you're "safe" from the insecurities blowing up again.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 02-05-11, 02:25 PM   #20
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Thanks, Daniel, that's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten
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