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Old 01-05-06, 09:50 AM   #1
jesus
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Default "FREE BEER"

I am trying to compile a list of the most overly used stock lines.
This stems from a conversation in which I was told by someone who has been performing almost exclusively at renaissance festivals and only in the US for only 15 years, that they wrote the following line:
ďKids, if your parents donít bring you to see our show it means they donít really love youĒ
I know, having heard this out side of North America that it cant be so, and with that in mind I thought it could be fun to compile a list of stock lines.
So let the listing and arguing begin!
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Old 01-05-06, 10:18 AM   #2
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What has little balls and hangs down?
What has big balls and hangs up?

I swear if I hear one more act use that line, I'm going to choke them.
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Old 01-05-06, 10:22 AM   #3
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Four years of college so I could do this. My mother is so proud.
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Old 01-05-06, 10:22 AM   #4
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Default more bad juggling lines

Juggler standing, "three ball juggling"
Juggler hopping, "five ball juggling"

of course some of you know I can only do four, but thats for a more personal thread.
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Old 01-05-06, 10:26 AM   #5
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If you don't have money for the hat, there's an ATM across the street. (Invented by ME in 1992 in Harvard Square.)

Point to top of building... have crowd scream "Don't Jump"

I didn't leave when you got here.

It's just a stage you're going through.

How many people think I can do this? How many don't think I can do it? How many just don't care?

Where are you from? Sorry? No I heard you, I'm just sorry.
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Old 01-05-06, 10:47 AM   #6
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Motions to have a woman kiss their cheek, then turns at the last minute to kiss their lips.
I've seen otherwise brilliant shows, but I just don't like that schtick. Had someone try it on me, and knowing what was going down, I turned around and walked away. ...I'm such a jerk.

Last edited by Rachel Peters; 01-05-06 at 01:25 PM.
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Old 01-05-06, 01:48 PM   #7
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(performer dosent get much applause) Thank you, Both of you.

Now that I have your Attention I want to talk to you about something. Itís called Amway.

Juggler drops points behind the audience and says (whatís that?) than picks up and starts juggling again.

If your going to throw a quarter understand that sometimes they hit me and it hurts so if you could please wrap it in a cushy $20 bill first.

I will now juggle three balls with one hand (juggler pulls out a 3 balls and a rubber hand and juggles).

(Talking to a volunteer) If you could just stand here on this trap door.




Ok Iíll admit it I have used all of these but the last two. My normal show now has no stock lines but sometimes I canít resist.
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Old 01-05-06, 05:46 PM   #8
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Butterfly Are those real tattoo's?

"No, they're iron on's"

I swear, if I hear myself say that one more time ...
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Old 01-05-06, 06:16 PM   #9
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Lurk Take your hands out of your pockets, I provide the entertainment

"Kids don't try this at home.... Grandparents/school/whatever"

Although these cliches can be subverted pretty easily. No-one but performers get it however.

Dave Holder was brave enough to use pretty consistantly.

"Kids,if mummy and daddy don't give you at least $2 to give to the funny man , that can only mean one thing....
He's shit."

Sorry I'll get with the program.
"The more money you give me, the more money I have."

"that your girlfriend? small world."
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Old 01-05-06, 06:30 PM   #10
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Default Re: more bad juggling lines

Quote:
Originally posted by jesus
Juggler standing, "three ball juggling"
Juggler hopping, "five ball juggling"

...No matter how many times I've tried, that joke has never worked for me. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong.
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Old 01-08-06, 10:43 PM   #11
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"I can juggle seven balls..." (throws them all up into the air and lets them all fall to the ground) "...I didn't say how many times!"

Like the rest of these jokes (or most), as a civilian, I thought it was hilarious the first time I saw it, disillusioning the second time -- "but... b-but... that was that other guy's joke!!", angering the third, and eye-roll-worthy any time after that.
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Old 01-09-06, 01:13 PM   #12
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if i hear "I broke my pencil!" one more time...
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Old 01-09-06, 07:46 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by martin ewen
"Kids don't try this at home.... Grandparents/school/whatever"
Martin, I'm sure Chris and I have no idea what you're referring to

you eavesdropping, pasty-faced, lumber jockey.
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Old 01-09-06, 07:47 PM   #14
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"Where are you from? Sorry? No I heard you, I'm just sorry."

You know that's a Henny Youngman joke from the '50s.

Here' some reinterpretations:

"Sir, take your hands out of your pockets. Come on, let go of the little soldier before you squeeze his helmet off."

"Parents, your kids are smart enough not to try it at home, and if they're not, it's what you call 'attrition'"
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Old 01-09-06, 07:49 PM   #15
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"Where are you from? Sorry? No I heard you, I'm just sorry."

You know that's a Henny Youngman joke from the '50s.



and it was a good one. ... like most cliches, it gets over-used for good reason.

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Old 01-09-06, 07:55 PM   #16
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Here's my new favorite twist on the hack gay joke:

"Peter, stand up straight, this is San Francisco

I know they beat 'em up where you're from, but here, some of them are real big, they're dressed like they're going to go ride a horse, but they don't actually have one.

Don't wind up as someone's pony."


heh, "lumber jockey"
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Old 01-09-06, 08:41 PM   #17
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I have heard this twist on the "I dont come into McDonalds and tell you how to do your job" line a few times:

'Hey I dont jump on the bed when yours wifes working"
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Old 01-09-06, 09:06 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by Doctor Eric
"Parents, your kids are smart enough not to try it at home, and if their not, it's what you call 'attrition'"
Eric (you might wanna sit down for this),
It seems we think alike; I have a very similar joke I use during my blockhead routine, only it involves "evolution" aka "the will of God".
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Old 01-10-06, 01:20 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by Doctor Eric
"Parents, your kids are smart enough not to try it at home, and if their not, it's what you call 'attrition'"
I forgot the tag-

"Trust me, it's better for the rest of us once they learn how to drive."
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Old 01-10-06, 07:00 PM   #20
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Default Lets not forget...

The general over use of the words "Danger" & "Death" especially when combined with the seemingly innocuous word "of" and then used to name an otherwise forgettable trick.
Such as...
"The soggy saltine juggle of death!"
For those not in the know these are often followed by the forced crowd response of "ooh" or "aah". And in rare circumstances the combination of both.
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