performers.net forums  

Go Back   performers.net forums > THE GREEN ROOM > BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-23-00, 08:57 PM   #1
nick nickolas
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: www.nicknickolas.com
Posts: 528
Post JOKES

A paper bag is conversing with the docter after being diagnosed as HIV+.
"Have you been having unprotected homosexual sex lately"says the doc.
"Not at all"says the paper bag
"Well you've contracted it from somwhere"doc says thinking "Mabye you've been sharing needles,are you a junkie?"
"No I'm just a plain good ol' paper bag"bag replies
"mmmmmmmmm well you've contracted it somehow...mabye one of your parents is a carrier!" says Doc
"
__________________
www.nicknickolas.com
nick nickolas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-00, 09:34 PM   #2
Peter Voice
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 1,065
Default

A young woman went to see her doctor about a small greenish mark on her inner thigh. The Doc was puzzled, tried all sorts of tests but nothing showed up.
"How long have you had it?", she asked.
"That's what worries me", the girl said, "It turned up just after my wedding night and won't go away"
"You'll have to bring your husband in for tests, you may have caught something off him", replied the Doc.
So the next day a very worried looking couple turned up at the surgery and sat before the Doctor. The doc looked at them for a moment and started to giggle, she soon lost control and broke out into uncontrollable laughter.
Offended the couple angrily demanded to know what was going on. The Doc asked if they wanted the good news first or the bad news.
"Good news!". the husband said.
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your wife", she said. "The bad news is your gold earring is fake."


You beat me to it Nick, I was going to challenge Brady and Chance to a joke off.
__________________
Every-one should watch their drawers!
http://www.chalkcircle.com.au/
Peter Voice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-00, 05:46 PM   #3
jester
Senior Member
 
jester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 1,083
Post

In the middle of the night there is a knock at the door.

The man of the house gets out and answers it. There, soaking wet with rain stands a young man in his early 20s.

I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I could use a push.

The man slams the door and goes back to bed.

His wife asks whats up, he explains, she shames him.

"When we were courting you drove us around in a beaten up old banger and we had to get help all sorts of hours, and nobody was ever mean to us. Now get up and give the poor man a push."

The man gets up and goes to the window.

"Hey. Are you still there?"

"Yes I am" came the reply.

"Hold on. I'm gonna help ya. I'm on my way."

He goes downstairs and out into the road. He can't see anything at all. But it's dark so he continues 200 yards, both ways then returns.

"Where are you?" He calls out into the dark cold wet night.

"I'm in your garden on your swing." Replies the voice.

__________________
If an artist can't even dream of happy ending what chance have the politicians got of making one?

jester is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-00, 05:44 PM   #4
jester
Senior Member
 
jester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 1,083
Post

George Dubya come rushing out of the oval office, leaps up and punches the air with his fist. "I've done it."

Dick and James look very concerned.

"Done what!?" Dick asks. "We're supposed to do stuff, you're the president. Get back in there and finish that jigsaw puzzle we gave you."

"I've done the jigsaw." Dubya replies.

"Well done sir." James says with visible relief. "I'm impressed."

"I did it in just 57 days." Dubya says, beaming with pride. "and it says 4 to 5 years on the box."

__________________
If an artist can't even dream of happy ending what chance have the politicians got of making one?

jester is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-00, 01:48 AM   #5
Prof Willie B
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
Posts: 174
Question

Is it cruel to sew buttons onto flies?
Prof Willie B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-00, 02:16 AM   #6
Butterfly Man
Refurbished Member
 
Butterfly Man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Farthest point south in US
Posts: 1,606
Hat

Crueler still, to sue Butterfly butt...
__________________
butterflyman.com
Butterfly Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-01, 10:17 PM   #7
Mr.Taxi Trix
Senior Member
 
Mr.Taxi Trix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: New York, NYish.
Posts: 1,273
Cool

Guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing a saran wrap skirt. The shrink takes one look and tells him "I can clearly see your nuts."
Mr.Taxi Trix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-05-01, 12:55 AM   #8
martin ewen
Senior Member
 
martin ewen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Trapped-Please send money
Posts: 1,888
Blog Entries: 15
Default

aka bob mclaren

what do you get when you cross a jew with a piece of wood.

A)Easter
martin ewen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-05-01, 02:34 PM   #9
Todd
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: St Petersburg Fl, usa
Posts: 145
Post

Performer A runs into performer B. They begin talking about how thier year has gone.

Perf A says "Wow what a great year I've had. First I did this Street festival in Key West where I was seen by a guy who books cruise ships. He liked me so much, I got this 6 month gig out of it. There I was seen by an agent who liked my act and booked me to do this Theatre gig in England. Out of that I was invited to perform on the BBC then asked to do a Command Performance for the Royal Family. Finally this guy from a New Hotel in Vegas got my tape from the English Agent,, and they built me my own showroom, 2 shows a night in Vegas, openended run with a one year payoff if they cut me."
" How was your year?"

Perf B says," Um....ok I guess...I did a couple of Fringe Festivals in Canada..."

Perf A asks "Who books those?Got thier number?"
Todd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-05-01, 06:25 PM   #10
jester
Senior Member
 
jester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 1,083
Clown

How many out of work actors does it take to change a light bulb?

30. One to screw it in, the other 29 to bitterly look away biting their lip, saying: "That should be me up there."
__________________
If an artist can't even dream of happy ending what chance have the politicians got of making one?

jester is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-05-01, 10:30 PM   #11
martin ewen
Senior Member
 
martin ewen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Trapped-Please send money
Posts: 1,888
Blog Entries: 15
Arrow

How many street performers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just the one- but theres usually a couple more hanging round saying, 'Yeah- I used to do that'
martin ewen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-01, 07:23 AM   #12
Prof Willie B
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
Posts: 174
Post

The Butterfly Man in his great literary quest finds himself at the Begonia Festival, Darwin Australia, where he runs into Richie Rich (read, Lucky?, Greg, whatever).
After the festival they have a few days to spare and decide to go fishing for the elusive Barramundi in the crocodile infested waters of Aust.'s deep North.
As they approach their fishing spot, Richie points out the need for preparation and as Robert knows something of the piscatorial arts, he agrees.
He checks his rods and tackle then starts to put on his waders.
Richie checks his stuff then pulls out a box with a brand new pair of Nike running shoes.
"What the hell are those for?" says Homo Lepidoptera.
"Outrunning crocodiles" Richie replies, "You know, they can run 30 miles an hour over a short distance".
"Oh yeah, so, if the shit hits the fan, you think you can outrun one of those things?", says Robert.

"No" says Ritchie, "But, I bet I can outrun you!"
Prof Willie B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-01, 03:06 PM   #13
Todd
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: St Petersburg Fl, usa
Posts: 145
Hey!

This is a little bit of "what if.." left over from the "Gazzo is dead" days from the old board.
Gazzo dies and goes to heaven (yes, the joke could end here)
He meets St Peter and gets the tour around the big holy place. Along the way Gazzo sees Johnny Fox walking with a huge group around him. The people of the huge group all asking advice, trying to shake his hand. Gazzo starts yelling "Johnny, Johnny. He man how are you?"
Johnny looks right at him, smiles, but turns and walks away.
Gazzo asks St Peter " Whats with Johnny? And why is he here? He was alive when I was on earth. What happend?"
St Peter looks, smiles and says "Oh that. Thats just God. He likes to pretend he's Johnny Fox."
Todd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-01, 06:45 PM   #14
Queenie1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Post

Gazzo took Proffesor Willie B into the woods and asked "are you game"
she said "yes"....
so he shot her!
Queenie
Queenie1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-01, 09:44 PM   #15
Prof Willie B
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
Posts: 174
Post

That, of course, would be my preferred outcome. The other options are far too horrible to contemplate.

[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 01-10-2001).]
Prof Willie B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-01, 06:16 AM   #16
chickenfish
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: bRIGHTON sober disUK
Posts: 3
Post

giy walks into doctors
Doc! you gotta help me my penis hads turned orange!
the doctor checks this out and yeah ther it is bright orange so he asks the usual and obvious questions " do you work with chemicals? hobbies with chemicals? have you changed your diet recentley ? etc.
all of which leads nowhere. the guy has no job and no hobbies is on welfare and doesn't socialise.
the Doc is really curious as to how this could have come about and asks the guy what he does all day
he replies " nothing much , i just sit @ home watching porn and eating Dorritos"
haha
chickenfish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-01, 05:30 PM   #17
Queenie1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Post

A man went to the doctors and said "sorry Doc can you help me, my wife has the hoover stuck up her "$&%*(",
the Doctor gave the man loads of relaxation exercises, and other stuff to try...
after a couple of months, the man went back to the doctors, and the doctor asked "hows your wife doing?"
"well - shes picking up nicely"..said the man!
Queenie1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-01, 05:32 PM   #18
Queenie1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Post

A man walked into his local pub. He noticed two lumps of beef stuck to the ceiling....
The barman said "would you like to enter our competition? Get the beef off the ceiling, and you get free ale all night..."
"no thanks" sid the man.."the steaks are too high"
Queenie1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-01, 05:36 PM   #19
Queenie1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Post

(don't know if they sell 'treats'anywhre but here)
Man goes to the doctor, says "doc help me, I've got a peanut stuck up me arse"
Doc says "eat shit loads of chocolate, it'll come out a treat"
Queenie1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-01, 05:39 PM   #20
Queenie1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 37
Post

Man goes to the doctors "doc help me, theres something stuck up me bum",
doctor says "bend over" and says "ooh theres a pound coin up here"
next thing he says, "hang on, heres another...and another....and another.." this goes on and on and on...
at the end, the man says "my god Doc, how many were there?"
the doc says "one thousand nine hundred and ninety pounds"..... the man says..
"I thought I wasn't feeling too grand"??
Hee Hee, the old ones are always the best.
Queenie1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:51 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.