performers' library

Hat Line Limericks
Taxi Trix

These are original, and free for the taking. I've found a suprising amount of credit is sometimes given for reciting a limerick in performance.

Down with overused hat lines!

At home, my girl looks at my hats
For each dollar bill, I get pats. (indicate.)
Fives and Tens bring a kiss
And let me tell you this,
Twenties make us like neighborhood cats.
(Yo: Mentioning the numerics really adds to hats.)

I used to flip burgers, all fat.
And ask "Do you want fries with that?"
Even though I'm a hack,
I will never go back
provided you fill up my hat.
(Yo: When you say "I'm a hack," you are percieved as senior to whatever your level of prowess may be.)

I'm no writer with paper and pen.
I'm no model like Barbi's boy, Ken
I'm a street working act
With full candor and tact
I'm a has been who never has been.

If you've had a few laughs here tonight,
put five bucks in, assure my delight.
Listen now to my verse,
crowbar open your purse,
Live a little, don't be so damn tight.

I'm out here performing on pavement
And now, one last critical statement:
Throw some cash in my hat!
Let me say this on that:
I need to make my Lexus payment!

I once was a dancer full time
I could pirouette on a dime.
Now I stand out on bricks
Cracking jokes, doing tricks,
And people give money; sublime.

A fun Irish blessing right here
From now 'till the end of the year,
Those who fill up my hat
Will find life answers that
With good luck, loud music, and beer.

I'm nursing a bit of a cold,
my rent is past due, getting old.
My transmission's weak
And all that I seek
Is a tip I can pick up and fold.

There was a stonemason, well built,
And a scottsman in his favorite kilt,
When the two walked away
Both declining to pay
They were filled with irreparable guilt.
So gather your bills while you may,
I've met people who chose not to pay
they returned and did weep
saying they couldn't sleep
after blowing me off in that way.

I say now to you gathered here
Our time is both precious and dear
So neato and spiffy
that if you go and stiff me
you may find my boot in your rear.

Here's my gypsy blessing tonight
the money you give I'll hold tight
and the karma for you
will be steadfast and true,
and enrich you and make it allright
Within one day's time you will see
some cash coming to you for free
and if when you count,
its not triple amount (indicate hat again)
come do double or nothing with me.

Taxi Trix

Taxi Trix is originally from Queens, NY but now lives in western Connecticut. He's actually a professional poet, masquerading as a comedy juggler.

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